This missive is brought to you by my weekend activities. Some good, some bad, but at least it wasn’t work. Honestly, had some wonderfulness with some wonderful people, some awfulness with some wonderful people, some wonderfulness with some awful people, and some awfulness with myself in my head. Scary thing is, you never beat the yin-yang, love it or leave it.
This is one of those posts that most of you will probably zone out on. I have not been my normal entertaining self of late, largely because my life has resembled more of a cow pie than a planetoid. Last night, I realized the problem was not life, but rather my glasses. I promise this is not to be the finite state of things, but I need to work out some kinks.
The last week, I have been on cold medicine so i can sleep at tonight. While this does allow for sleep, it completely defeats any of the control I have exerted over my subconscious through exorcises in lucid dreaming. Last night was my first night off the juice, and man was it a tough one mentally.
What I have come to realize is that through a startling turn of events, I have become my father, in 1/10th the time it took him to pull it off. I am in a mediocre job which pays the bills, but, moreso, fulfills the financial obligations I have created for myself in leading the life I live. I was willing to contend with this balance of the formula in pursuit of a gold ring (literally and figuratively), but, after recently falling off my horse, all the work put into that quest is now being called up for review.
My father, for those of you who don’t know, is a circus tent of a man. He makes me look small, 3 inches taller, and a buck-forty on the scales. He has gotten softer in his 40+ years, but there was a time where his forearms were the size of my thighs. My dad has done a little bit of a lot of things, and lived his life by a code he had handed to him from his parents. He adhered to it as well as he could, and life still took a shit on him when his wife decided to bugger off in my early teenage years. It was one of those fights that I could never win with him over the years. Move on, start over, get a divorce, etc. He was just making himself miserable while he indulged in his wife’s ability to take advantage of his code and good nature.
I have taken the short road to China.
I skipped the 20 years, kids, etc, but went right to that last bit.
My parents eventually did get back together, mostly cuz i think my mom was tired of paying rent, and looking towards working 9-5 until she died.
I don’t have any other options to offer =)
I need to metamorphose. I need to find new direction, new activity, and i need to make vestige the parts of my life which are central for so long. I have to make that metamorphosis without the shroud of separation of time, space, and place so many others are afforded.
I have to do these things, lest I find myself living for the next smile, the next phone call, the next lame kiss and apologies.
I just hope I can maintain my life in the process.