Month: October 2002
Who’s your daddy?? Find out @ blackhole
I have discovered a secret… it is not the calling up of a gholem, nor is it the formula to philosopher’s mercury. I am not turning lead to gold, nor can the liquids produce of my secret heal all ills and wounds, and ensure eternal life.
I figured out how to get a top quality hotdog off a dirty water cart in uptown Manhattan. The secret, apparently, is to go before 10:30, when they are just set up. The hotdogs are boiled and tasty, not waxy and waterlogged yet. There are no lines, and the attendants, apparently undazed as of yet by the demanding throngs of porparts eaters, will actually listen to how much of what kind of condiment you’d like on your hotdog.
They say you are remebered for the big things you do in life, i think that’s b/s… its the little victories that count.
Chalk up one for my team!

Learn your Ninja Clan at the
Ninja Burger website. center>
What Christopher Walken Character are you?
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Dutch people suck.
The Stingy Artist
Gessen was an artist monk. Before he would start a drawing or painting healways insisted upon being paid in advance, and his fees were high. He wasknown as the “Stingy Artist.”A geisha once gave him a commission for a painting. “How much can you pay?”inquired Gessen.”Whatever you charge,” replied the girl, “but I want you to do the work infront of me.”So on a certain day Gessen was called by the geisha. She was holding a feastfor her patron.Gessen with a fine brush work did the painting. When it was completed heasked the highest sum of his time.He received his pay. Then the geisha turned to her patron, saying: “All thisartist wants is money. His paintings are fine but his mind is dirty; moneyhas caused it to become muddy. Drawn by such a filthy mind, his work is notfit to exhibit. It is just about good enough for one of my petticoats.”Removing her skirt, she then asked Gessen to do another picture on the backof her petticoat.”How much will you pay?” asked Gessen.”Oh, any amount,” answered the girl.Gessen named a fancy price, painted the picture in the manner requested, andwent away.It was learned later that Gessen had these reasons for desiring money:A ravaging famine often visited his province. The rich would not help thepoor, so Gessen had a secret warehouse, unknown to anyone, which he keptfilled with grain, prepared for these emergencies.From his village to the National Shrine the road was in very poor conditionand many travelers suffered while traversing it. He desired to build abetter road.His teacher had passed away without realizing his wish to build a temple,and Gessen wished to complete this temple for him.After Gessen had accomplished his three wishes he threw away his brushes andartist’s materials and, retiring to the mountains, never painted again.
In the Hands of Destiny
A great Japanese warrior named Nobunaga decided to attack the enemy althoughhe had only one-tenth the number of men the opposition commanded. He knewthat he would win, but his soldiers were in doubt.On the way he stopped at a Shinto shrine and told his men: “After I visitthe shrine I will toss a coin. If heads comes, we will win; if tails, wewill lose. Destiny holds us in her hand.”Nobunaga entered the shrine and offered a silent prayer. He came forth andtossed a coin. Heads appeared. His soldiers were so eager to fight that theywon their battle easily.”No one can change the hand of destiny,” his attendant told him after thebattle.”Indeed not,” said Nobunaga, showing a coin which had been doubled, withheads facing either way.
What box do you get put in?
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http://www3.quantumlynx.com/barontech/list/sayit.swf
I post the link only to prove my point.
I got the first one of these (look at the pic of this room) ages ago it seems like, and since then, people have been forwarding these fuckers around like the goddamn frogblender when joecartoon first hit the scene. Now c’mon, I understand it being amusing the first time. I cracked a grin. But this link I got forwarded from a coworker who has now emailed me three separate instantiations of the same gag.
When I was a kid, I (or we, as you will come to understand) tried the classic trick or treat ploy. I was responsible for lawn care at my house, so I collected two weeks worth of dog poop in a large paper bag, set said bag on the neighborhood ogre’s front porch…
The neighborhood ogre. Guess I should offer some insight. Physically, most people would probably nominate my dad for that title. My dad was a nice guy to other kids though, offering to help, never really minding an extra mouth or two at the dinner table, generally friendly (except for the time that a kid down the street from his place threw a rock at his windshield, and that kid has never done that again, I grantee). Not ogre material in any way but size and shape. The true neighborhood ogre was, in fact, a retired county sanitations worker who lived about three blocks from where I grew up. He lived for his garden, which was in the front of his front yard, right by the street. I once made the mistake of picking up a broken piece of bamboo from a pile of sticks in front of this garden (I missed the fact that the ogre was tying up tomato plants within the green rows of his personal Amazon) the summer before the Halloween which sprouted this tale. I held it up admiringly, like an astronaut holding up an alien plant stalk he had seen pictures of before his mission, but had never come in firsthand contact with. I had read about bamboo, seen forests of it on TV, even seen it grown as a cane break in the Bronx Zoo, but I had never held a piece in my hand. It was neat, it was rare, and it pissed off the ogre.
The man must have stood up from his tying, and seen some kid holding a stick from his pile; raiding his personal horde of tomato stakes. He let out the cliché roar of “Hey you! Kid!” as he fetched up a nearby rake, and actually jumped over the outer fence of the garden to confront me, rake in hand. Everyone who has a garden seems to put a fence around it, and this one was about three and a half feet tall. Not a high jump for someone in good shape. I have not lived a long life, but I have had a lot of experiences… I have _never_ at any other time seen a 60+ man vault a fence with a rake. He was a scary mass of frown, wrinkle, and old trash-carrying muscle. He smelled like manure, and oozed sweat and dirt through the ill-used wife beater he wore with a bedraggled pair of county-issued workpants (how many he must have accumulated in his years of service never dawned on me until just now, writing all this down). His boots were old clodhoppers, caked with muddy earth, and more of the manure which patterned the wife beater. His vault-to-menace maneuver must have taken a second or two, but to my young mind, it was like an eternity… all these details remain locked away like little shards of glass… I never really see the whole image again until I put them all together with the lead sodder, and I always end up with a new perspective on the whole stained glass piece when I’m done.
At any rate, between the visual, audio, and olfactory onslaught the ogre-with-rake provided, and my innate fear of being caught doing anything wrong (and thus facing the ultimate disciplinarian, in the form of the man most-likely-to-be-nominated-ogre-based-on-physical-stature-and-ability-to-intimidate mentioned above), I did what came naturally to any kid of my age and situation. He thought he had me pinned with the glare of his direct eye contact… like a rabbit mesmerized by the shadow of a descending eagle. I did what I think was the last thing he was expecting, I ran like someone just dropped a pin-pulled grenade at my Reeboks.
If I had stopped running, he probably would have swatted me with the rake… He looked that furious in the split second when I was turning to build momentum… I saw the dangerous gleam in his eyes as the anger curtains dropped over his irises, and cast their shade over the rest of his face. You must understand, I was a pretty round lil kid. I had a weight problem in serious proportions from the time I was five until well into my teens. I’m surprised he didn’t stop chasing me to laugh at the rolly polly bundle of pudge packed into too tight sweatpants, and a tight tee-shirt, running for his life down a tree-banked street. I had nowhere to run but down the pavement, to the crossroads of the next block, where I could lose him by dipping into the woods at a bike path. Grownups, for whatever reason distain the woods, I never once had one follow me in. I have made a conscious effort to fight this stereotype as I got older, but I have found that now tall, and far less energetic, that the woods hold far less promise than they once did. Its not that I don’t like them, I just don’t love them as I once did. I imagine in a decade, I’ll avoid them out of habit, for the pangs of nostalgia they’ll bring to the crust of my memory, dredging gods know what along with them.
The ogre chased me all the way to the crossroads of that next block… I could hear the thomping of his boots over the pounding of my heart. My breath came in sharp gasps when I finally plunged through the tree bank towards the Saw Mill River… and it felt like a puffer fish was trying to bluff its way out of my chest. This was the summer before I started to ride a bike… I had just enough stamina to get up and down the stairs. A two block sprint was far beyond what my body saw as reasonable at that juncture in time.
I still can’t believe that bastard chased me. For what? A broken piece of bamboo. He had several others in the pile of sticks (which I guess he was using as plant props). To a kid with a fascination with the orient at the age of nine, this was a treasure find… To him, it was something to keep the tomatoes out of the manure, and, as I said he bloody well had others. It is not like I trespassed into his Eden and stole the fruits of his tree; I was on the street for chrissakes, yet he decided that it was ok to chase a kid with a rake for picking a neat looking stick up off the ground.
After evading certain death at the hands of a winded old man with a rake, I doubled back over the Saw Mill (which is named a river, but is little more than a stream, or a deep creek at worst). Interesting story about the Saw Mill, it actually saved many a life in the Revolutionary war. The maps that went back to the motherland from British explorers detailed the Saw Mill the same way they detailed the Hudson, a crude squiggle running across a grand stretch of geography, with no real estimation of width, or depth. The British, seeing this as a potential major artery, similar to the Hudson as far as controlling the inland areas of their upstart colonies, sent an additional four naval vessels, and a team of engineers to establish a naval base at the top of the Saw Mill, rather than an extra few boatfuls of redcoats or mercenaries. Needless to say, this was a fruitless endeavor, but by the time the news traveled back and fourth to the motherland, and the person who made the mistake was court martialed, the war was nearly over.
Where was I? Ah, yes, the Saw Mill… after braving its rushing trickle and puddlesome depths, I went off to tell my two friends on my street about my exploits. As I shared the tale with them, a look of understanding lit in their eyes. Pete and Sean both had stories about the old man. He hated kids apparently, and would chase off any who came near his little patch of green. He had caught Sean once, who had actually had the balls to attempt to snatch a length of rope for a fort building endeavor the ogre had kept wrapped around one of the inner posts to the entrance to Eden. He confirmed my then-fresh suspicions of double damnation, for apparently the man had beaten Sean with a broom handle, then held him until his mother came to pick him up, and then his mother had redoubled the bruising effort. Times were so different then; and when I think of how much easier I had it than my father did, or his father’s father for that matter, it brings to frightening clarity the little statistic I heard about my generation being the first which had a majority which made it to adulthood sans broken bones…
Anyway, Sean, Pete and myself traded war stories for almost an hour in the grassy backyard of Pete’s parents house. Sean and Pete (both being local school kids, with far more friends than I would even number before I was 16) told tales of other peoples run ins and exploits concerning the ogre. Somewhere deep in the unseeded manure rich furrows of my brain that day, was planted the root of a revenge which will live in my memory, and the memory of two other people (both of whom have confided that fact to me) forever.
So, Lawn care, dogpoop, paper bag. We’ve all heard about this prank, but how many of you out there have actually done it? I had a plan by the time October rolled around, and Pete and Sean actually agreed to ditch their crew of friends for the evening (an unprecedented event, since packs smaller than 10 were generally beset upon by mobs of pixie-stick crazed, shaving cream armed kids, who beat and robbed you mercilessly of you evening’s booty, then left you for dead covered in facial foam) to try for this plan, which I concocted.
Costume planning was crucial. I saved up for a ninja outfit (which would actually fit me), and bought one for Pete as well (to get him in on my scheme). Sean went as a ghost. Not very original you think? Well, my mother was a crazed lunatic about safety on Halloween. age 9 was the first year I flew solo, and she practically wanted to wrap me from head to toe in reflective tape, and carry a lantern. Needless to say, if I was going to be a ninja, it was going to be a fluorescent orange one. Instead, I played a double-back. I had my mother buy me a rather obnoxious pirate outfit, complete with booty bag. In that, I ended up stashing my implements of destruction. I only had a half-hour between check-ins (a fact which was not sprung on me until I was practically walking out the door in full yo-ho gear) which greatly increased the pressure of my plans.
I worked my way quickly to Pete’s, the sun having barely set, and the deep of twilight having just set in. He suited up, and together we collected candy as Sean held us up late. I decided, given recent time restrictions, to float towards my parent’s house, putting us in line with their rendezvous, and keeping my pirate gear in appearance. After hitting my parents place (and accumulating a nice mass of candy, barely avoiding my mother plastering Pete’s black ninja suit in reflective tape) we then dashed back towards Pete’s house, where Sean was waiting for us. Sean had obtained the crucial part of the variation of the evening’s ploy… a large bundle of firecrackers, and a butane lighter (which was unheard of technology to a bunch of kids who had single digits for ages, and had to sneak matches from the house). He stole them from his older brother, who over the years proved to be an invaluable well of information and larcenous goods, especially as his pot habit grew worse, complimented by his beer habit, and his leaving his room unattended passed out downstairs habit (Scott, why you never locked your footlocker is beyond me, but I thank you, from the depths of my sub-cockles region). While I gasped like a one-lunged coal miner, changing into my ninja outfit, Sean prepared his “costume”, which was, in fact, little more than several white plastic garbage bags masking taped together, and a specially made paper bag mask-coated in carefully stapled white garbage bag seal. The engineering marvels kids can accomplish with plastic, paint, tape, and flame should never be underestimated by an adult at any time. My children (should they ever come to exist) will be raised in a wood-button Velcro world, for they may someday learn to make tools fashioned from sharpened zipper teeth, if I were to provide them with the materials.
The ogre, as we all knew, would be defending his property with the hose that evening. It was common knowledge, even among the parents to avoid his corner manse (there really were no other houses near his stakeout at the driveway entrance to his property, which is why I think the parents tolerated his gleeful soaking of children) that he would wait in the shadows of the huge elms on his end of the street, and woes be to any below 5′ who dared venture towards his lit door looking for treats. The man was all about tricks… cold, watery, high velocity, ruin your costume and the rest of your night tricks.
Armed with our implements of destruction, Pete and I crept along the elm-trench along the darkened side of the road, while Sean walked right down the middle of the street. The ogre’s house was dark. There was a streetlight across the street from it, which did little to illuminate the multiple layers of shadow and gloom that the heavy foliage created. Sean looked like a grain of rice on the surface of a freshly tarred roof, as Pete and I crept along in our nijaesque fashion (sorry to all the true ninja out there).
The ogre, as I mentioned, was rather reputable in both his dislike of, and methods of dealing with trick or treaters. For that reason, I imagine it had been several years since he heard what Sean hollered out in a singsong voice as he b-lined towards the bottom of the driveway:
“Triiiiiiick or treeeeeat!”
The response, as expected, was rapid and furious. The ogre popped out of the gloom, wordlessly, and hit Sean with a heavy jet of water so cold, he later claimed it blasted the breath from him. However, our engineering marvel held up to the abuse, and through a miracle of fate, Sean managed to keep his feed, despite being pushed back a step or two. He began to madly jeer and gyrate beneath the deluge of hose water. Pete and I made a break for the porch.
Kids don’t generally curse loudly enough when there are adults around to be heard. Occasionally one will slip up, and the situation is sometimes drastically corrected. As Pete and I stole across a darkened section of driveway, and then across a midnight patch of lawn, the stream of profanities issuing from Sean’s mouth as he was shot again and again with jets of water from the ogres hose seemed almost physical. I imagined them in my minds eye, as we snuck up the stairs, taking on Phantasmal from, much like the wights and specters of Fantasia’s “Night non Lonely Mountain”. The ogre must have a greed, for as I turned to deposit the payload, I saw him fumbling with the hose (which was wrapped about one of his garden stakes) attempting to get a better angle to blast Sean, who was parading around in a strut which would have made Pee Wee Herman proud. He was like an albino matador, enraging his prey to a fury, only to take advantage of the inevitable mistake.
My part of the delivery completed, I stood spellbound as the ogre slipped in the puddle of mud he had created with his own hose, and fell to the ground, dropping the hose, and grunting loudly enough to be heard over Sean’s obscene jeering. I had heard cursing before; I had HBO, and my father made Eddie Murphy’s RAW seem tame at times, but Sean was like a bezerk schop… plucking curse-kennings from his quiver, and shooting them directly into the ass of the now, prone ogre. As the ogre started to rise, I heard Pete pound down the few steps behind me, and perform the act that probably saved Sean’s life. Given the quivering anger I saw in the dimly lit form of the ogre as he found his feet, I truly believe he would have probably killed Sean, given the opportunity, if he caught him. Pete yelling “TRICK OR TREAT” at the top of his lungs as he dashed down the driveway, however, caused the bull to turn. I must have been standing in the right place, because the ogre never even saw me. Perhaps it was the cherry pumpkin glow of the flaming bag behind me, causing his eyes to dilate incorrectly that kept me out of view in my silly ninja outfit. All I remember is that when he bent down for his hose, I went after Pete like a shot, heading towards Sean, who had regrouped at the bottom of the driveway.
The ogre, after shouting “Fuck so loudly it echoed off the nearby stand of trees across the street, grabbed his hose and started running towards the door, at the same time bellowing at the top of his lungs “ISABELLA! CALL THE FUCKING COPS!!!” The double bagged deposit of dogshit, now really burning well, began throwing off a thick plume of smoke which threw a shadow across the suddenly well illuminated porch of the ogre. Apparently, the living room was right near the front door, and Isabella, who none of us even knew existed, much less had seen in person, was sitting in the dark waiting for the return of her husband. Perhaps she played some sort of psychological support role, maybe she liked to watch her husbands work, I don’t honestly know, or want to…whatever the case, she decided to investigate her husbands hollering.
Isabella stepped opened the front door, and stood there like a silhouette from “Close Encounters”. I guess she was unsure of what to make of the large flaming object a few feet from her floral-woven “Welcome” mat”. The ogre, now done bellowing, took on a Yul Brenner western pose, and raised both arms and started drenching like a Ghostbuster throws a proton pack.
Pete, Sean and I had talked this plan over very carefully, It was Sean actually, who brought up the possibility of the hose coming to play. It was I who came up with the idea, doing some library research on waterproof fire sources. One part shoe polish, One part Crisco, one part kerosene. Applied liberally to a paper bag full of dog poop, then re-bagged so as not to spread homemade napalm over everything, and to slow down the burn a little. Either way what happened next is the ultimate series of good luck events I could possibly ever hope for in a long life of planning in an uncaring world where Murphy rules the day. The ogre, still on the backyard level, was actually pushing the bag towards his wife more than putting the fire out with the water. The water, reacting with my home-made burning gel, began to spread the fire onto the doormat and porch floor. Isabella, standing there in a bathrobe, began to gag as the path of the shit-smoke swung in her direction, perhaps as part of the back draft from the heat escaping from the house… I’ll never know. The ogre took the stairs to the porch, still applying pressure with the hose, two at a time, and was practically right on top of it, fire nearly out, when the firecrackers went off.
Now, you may ask yourself how much your average nine year old knows about ballistics, fire, gunpowder, and arson. If they were exposed to fireworks at an early age, grew up in a hunting household, and read as many books as I did, put them away. I knew my dad would never miss a shotgun shell from his arsenal in his cabinet. The guns were always secured away from us, but there was too much ammo to do the same… besides what good is ammo without a gun? To a kid with an imagination, a scrounged junkyard vice, and a hammer and nail, its a do-it-yourself shooting range. Obviously shotgun shells were not suited for this purpose, but 9mm rounds make nice holes in things when you get the technique down just right (some people ask me why I assume I am going to die young, I assume its just because I burned up all my luck before I was 17). At any rate, butchers twine soaked in candle wax, then gunpowder from filched shotgun shells make excellent flash fire wicks, especially when coated with homemade napalm.
NASA would have spent 400 million dollars, used a staff of seventy, and sixteen test runs trying to pull off what we three kids did with dumb luck and a little sneak. When I consider it now, the odds of this prank working again are pretty damn slim, shit, the fact that it worked at all is why I’m writing all this down…
At any rate, a torrent of waterlogged shit, wet paper bag, bag ash, shoepolish-criscko-kerosene began to firecracker stucco the ogre, the ogre’s wife, the porch, the walls, the door, and I think perhaps a little of the hallway beyond Isabella (an item hotly debated over the months to come). Then, as a cherry on top of a nuclear Sundae, Isabella let go of her mouth, and proceeded to projectile vomit all over her husband, now half crouched over, clutching his knees, trying not to yak himself. I don’t know if he succeeded or not. The entire prank, start to finish, could not have possibly taken more than a minute. Sean stood there dripping from his bag-ghost costume, and Pete and I in our ninja outfits, spellbound by its unraveling once we set the ball in motion. At the first whuphing gag of Isabella however, the spell was shattered, and terror o’ertook our morbid curiosity. We ran. I ran faster and harder than I can ever remember running in my life. We made it to Pete’s house, then all collapsed in breathless laughter. We could not move for almost 10 minutes we laughed so hard. To date, it is the closest I have ever come to wetting myself laughing.
We never spoke of it again, to anyone, until a year ago, when i found out the ogre went to a home, after Isabella had passed away. I happened to run into Pete at the grocery store, random happenstance. His mom still kept in touch with the neighborhood gossip circles, and actually had mentioned it out of hand when Pete had spoken to her most recently. He figured noone would care anymore. I guess I still do.
I thought of this all shortly after deleting the email which forwarded the link above in anger, trying to hold my tongue against someone who shares the same office space as I.
See, what we did was an original take on an old idea. Flaming bags of shit had been around since as long as paper bags, I imagine. We were not just trying to repackage an old product and claim credit for it. Five years after the ogre night, I worked as a camp counselor in the same lil town I grew up in, and heard a very inaccurate firsthand account of how the whole incident went down from one of my coworkers (who was the same age as I). He didn’t even live on my side of town, yet he claimed credit as being a part of it, being there, for coming up with the idea of putting an M-80 in the bag, to try and blow hole in the ogre’s porch. His retelling made me sick rather than proud. I didn’t care that Pete, Sean and I had become some sort of small-town urban legend… I hated that he was claiming credit for what I saw, even then, as a pretty good innovation. This was an inspiration worthy of Data (a la Goonies), Inspector Gadget, or perhpas even that guy who invented stuff for 007, not some cheap tiwanese toy to pawn off on kids for 1/100ths the cost of the real deal.
Which brings me back to these lameass scare-scream forwards. The first one was a great idea. A totally different take on the classic “boo” scare. Every other dumb motherfucker that followed in that line (many pilfering the embedded flash sound of the woman screaming, or the zombiesque face which flashes suddenly) is not proving anything but their ability to replicate. They are the product of a generation of cartoon-movies, sitcom movies, classic re-releases, classic remakes, and the endless sequels. Innovation makes for new ideas, replication with a different delivery method does not. It stagnates the mind, and kills off creativity, as surely as the autumn frost that October of the ogre killed off all his late leeks and basil.
Fucking cut the bullshit people. Either pass on the original, or come up with your own fucking ideas and innovations, don’t gut the soul out of a good gimmick, throw it in a new clay shell, and call it your own.
Somewhere between the nostalgia and the nauseousness at pop culture, my point was muddied… I apologize for that, but what else is new? I guess the point is, be nice to kids, they know more than you think they do; and keep going back to the woods, so you never loose that part of yourself that knew, when you were treated like shit on the assumption that you couldn’t know anything.
Subj: alainmoreil
Date: Wed, 23 Oct 2002 11:37:15 +0200
From: tbues@email.com ()
To: (omitted to protect the innocent)
Sent from the Internet (Details)
Hello,
If you are a Time Traveler I am going to need the following:
1. A modified mind warping Dimensional Warp Generator # 52 4350a series wrist watch with memory adapter.
2. Reliable carbon based, or silicon based time transducing capacitor.
I need a reliable source!! Please only reply if you are reliable. Send a (SEPARATE) email to me at:Tomnwrr@aol.com
HrprnflomNBmbribuckley
Résultat du formulaire : Message envoyé par
(tbues@email.com) le Mercredi 23 Octobre 2002 à 11:37:15
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ZXZohnxUVj23456: D HYgi qldtdeIb
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The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for sexually transmitted diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.
“I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks.”
“My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch.”
“I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt.”
“My last period looked like meat.”
“My balls feel soft and mushy.”
“I be messin’ with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don’t tell you they got something unless they mad at you.”
“How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?”
“I got the dripper.”
“I have food chunks in my urine.”
“Had sex with my daughter’s fiancé and then douched with Lysol–feelin’ a little raw down there.”
“Scabs on my butt and I’m losing my mind.”
“I’m releasing semen when I take a crap.”
“I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man.”
“I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice.”
“Can’t you put the swab in further?”
“I had sex with my baby’s momma, sex with my other baby’s momma and my other new baby’s momma has disease.”
“Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat before it’s cooked.”
“My cervix hurts when I jiggle.”
“The seam in my circumcision split open.”
“I be messin’ with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don’t trust either of them.”
“My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits.”
“From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline out of me.”
“I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me.”
“I think my boyfriend knows what’s going on. He’s been calling me a ‘chlamydiahoris.'”
“My pee smells like ham.”
1. What is the capital city of Australia?
2. What is the capital of the USA?
3. Which country has Tokyo as its capital?
4. What is the capital of Iceland?
5. Which country has Ulan Bator as its capital?
6. What is the capital of Finland?
7. What is the capital of Nigeria?
8. Which country has two capitals: Riyadh and Mecca?
9. What is the capital of Montserrat?
10. What is the capital of Brazil?
”Holmes has always been fond of the theater. Do not misunderstand – his interest has always lain more with the concert hall rather than the music hall; however, he does have a fascination with a form of popular entertainment that captivates both the low audience as well as the high. I speak, of course, of stage magicians.
”It was his custom to attend the music hall theater upon those occasions when magicians offered their performances – more for the purposes of deducing their methods than being enchanted by them, I fear. I sometimes accompanied him when our lives and caseloads allowed, but for me, it was more of a learning experience than an entertaining distraction.
”Holmes, with his keen observation skills and razor-sharp intellect, was never at a loss to explain the seemingly astonishing illusions we were confronted with – sometimes forgetting himself to such an extent that his raised voice caused considerable consternation from other audience members. I can recall being tossed out of such establishments on more than one occasion due to Holmes’ disregard for his fellow man’s enjoyment… particularly when he was offended by the gross simplicity of some performer’s so-called ”magic act.”
”That night, we were attending a performance at the Green Jenny, a relatively prestigious theater which had often hosted magicians on their stage. Little did we know that the events we were to see portrayed within those walls would end in one man’s death… and perhaps even nearly my own.”
LONDON, ENGLAND
March 1886
”Holmes?” Lyndred waved her playbill in front of the detective’s face. ”Have you ever seen this fellow perform before?”
Sherlock Holmes glanced down his aquiline nose at his companion. His gray eyes were hooded and seemed glazed with contempt. ”No, I confess that I have not,” he drawled. ”Wang Chung, the Mystic Dragon of the East.” He glanced at the playbill he clutched in his gloved hands and snorted. ”No doubt a charlatan like the rest.”
”Really, Holmes!” Lyndred smiled, green eyes sparkling with mischief. ”If you dislike magicians so, why on earth do you subject yourself to their distasteful wares?”
”My dear Lady Lina, it isnot the performer’s offerings to which I object. It is the deliberately provocative and misleading nature of their publicity and their claims of using ‘real’ magic in a transparent attempt to fool the gullible into believing that their illusions are true. In fact, I rather enjoy deducing their modus operandi; seated in a theater box, at some distance from the actual stage, I find such deductions a challenge. If only they were more honest in their claims…”
”Holmes, honesty is not the point! Why, you know yourself that if you point out to the average man that the illusion he has just witnessed and been amazed at has been perpetuated by nothing more than smoke, mirrors and the magician’s skills at misdirection, he grows enraged at having his comfortable fantasy disrupted.” Lyndred fanned herself with her playbill. ”And can you blame him? He comes to the theater for distraction, not reality.”
Holmes snorted again and slumped down in his seat, arms crossed over his chest – a clear indication that he wanted to be left alone.
Lyndred continued to fan herself, glancing down at the seats below, which were filled to capacity. Wang Chung had been performing to a packed house since coming to London a few weeks earlier; once he had given a Royal Command Performance for Prince Albert and most of the British peerage, the public couldn’t get enough of the mysterious Chinese magician..
She sat back in her seat and adjusted the skirts of her claret silk evening gown. She was looking forward to having a fun evening; having her mentor and friend Sherlock Holmes in attendance only made the evening more special – even if he was as cross as a galled badger. As the gaslights dimmed and the voices of the audience died down to a whisper of excitement, Lyndred relaxed and kept her eyes locked on the stage.
The curtains slowly rose, accompanied by thunderous applause from the audience. The stage settings were Oriental, with lacquered screens, potted palms in giant jars and prettily dressed young boys scurrying about in brightly colored silk robes, waving miniature banners and paper dragons. Dark red and gold carpets with extravagant fringe littered the floor; an iron brazier smoked in one corner, sending up a cloud of musky sweet incense.
Into this scene strode the mysterious figure of Wang Chung, hands concealed within the belled sleeves of his floor length robe. He bowed deeply, the thin fringe of his wispy beard nearly touching the floor. His eyes were squeezed into near slits, and the scrawny moustaches that drooped on either side of his mouth gave him a faintly sinister air.
For nearly an hour, he astounded and mystified the audience members, conjuring tiny dogs from thin air, producing yards of silk from the depths of his apparently empty hat, even causing the ”ghost” of a Chinese princess to appear in a cloud of colored smoke. Since Wang Chung spoke no English, his actions were narrated by his assistant – an ancient and bent Oriental crone who perched within an open palanquin, her wavering voice made all the more eerie by echoes cast back by the theater walls.
Lyndred was enchanted; Holmes less so.
”See?,” he said, pointing. ”While you are distracted by his smoke bomb – a trick I have used myself from time to time – he deftly plucks the so-called magic coins from the pocket of his robe. Really, Lady Lina… a child would have little difficulty in divining the nature of his ‘magic’.”
Lyndred sighed. ”Holmes, for once in your life, can you not simply enjoy yourself? I realize you are never less than logical…”
Holmes interrupted her. ”And that ghost! Why, it is very nearly laughable! A magic lantern, no doubt operated by a confederate, which projects the image onto the smoke screen. After viewing such a travesty, I begin to understand the wisdom of our government in refusing to repeal the antique witchcraft laws.”
”Do you truly believe that Her Majesty’s government would prosecute a magician for performing? It would be just as well to haul you away, my friend. Many believe you to possess occult powers.”
”I cannot deny that, however I have never advertised myself as a necromancer or sorceror. Therein lies the difference.”
Lyndred opened her mouth to continue the argument, then thought the better of it. If Holmes is determined to be indignant, she thought, so be it. I will at least not allow him to spoil my evening.
Wang Chung’s act had come to its dramatic finale – “The Emperor’s Firing Squad.” The Chinese magician stood upon the stage with a blindfold across his eyes, clutching a plate to his chest. Two young men dressed in Oriental costume took their positions in front of him; both of them were armed with front-loading rifles.
Lyndred leaned forward, one hand clutching the rail in front of her. This was the much-talked-about climax to Wang Chung’s performance – both rifles would fire simultaneously and he would catch the bullets in his teeth. This death-defying action had made the magician’s reputation and the audience was breathless with anticipation.
When the assistant asked for volunteers from the audience to come up and examine the bullets, Lyndred half expected Holmes to rise from his seat. But he did not; the saturnine detective merely harrumphed and continued to slump in his chair, eyes glimmering faintly in the darkness of the theater.
The bullets having been pronounced real by a former Army general and a baronet, the young marksmen loaded their rifles, ramming the bullets home with a gunpowder charge. Wang Chung calmly stood in position; he would spit the bullets out into the plate he held after catching them.
There was silence, then from the orchestra came a drum roll. The crone gave the order: ”Fire!”… and the rifles barked simultaneously, puffs of gray smoke wafting across the stage.
Wang Chung slumped to the stage, the plate he had held shattered into pieces. For a long moment, the audience members rustled and whispered, obviously wondering if this was some sort of dramatic act, comparing it to the performances they had seen before. Finally, the stage assistants realized that something was terribly wrong and rushed over to the fallen Chinaman… and to their horror, the audience realized that the red stain blossoming on Wang Chung’s elaborate robe was not dye – it was his own life’s blood.
At the first shouts of ”Murder!,” Sherlock Holmes sat up, electrified. ”Let us go, my lady,” he said shortly, disappearing from the theater box. Lyndred had no choice but to follow.
Several gentlemen from the audience had responded to the assistants’ pleas for a doctor and were engaged in examining the unfortunate Wang Chung. Holmes rudely pushed through to the stage, ruthlessly using his bony elbows to part the milling throng that crowded the front of the theater in the hopes of seeing either Wang Chung’s resurrection or his dead body; half of them were convinced it was part of the act but the other half was nearly hysterical with fear.
Lyndred followed Holmes, ruefully consigning her best hat to the crush when it fell off her head. She was nearly as tall as Holmes and just as strong, so she had little difficulty in shoving the well-fed patrons to one side in order to clamber up onto the stage itself. Fortunately, the skirts of her dress were widely cut and hampered her only a little, but Holmes’ absently extended hand was still a help.
Lyndred surveyed the scene; the theater manager, a Russian emigree named Ivan Petrovitch, was wringing his hands and muttering. Stepping over porcelain shards, Lyndred confronted him. ”Have you called the police?” she asked.
Petrovitch babbled something unintelligible in Russian, so Lyndred said, ”Sir, please calm yourself. Have you summoned a police officer? You do realize the necessity of having a representative of the law on the scene?”
”What?” Petrovitch’s watery blue eyes stared from behind the pince-nez perched on his nose. ”What, what, what? The police? Why are we needing the police? It was an accident, an accident, by God!”
”I am certain it was,” Lyndred replied soothingly. ”However, the local constabulary must be notified…”
Petrovitch waved her away. ”I have no time, woman! The stage must be cleaned for tomorrow’s matinee!”
He wandered backstage and Lyndred allowed him to go. He’s hysterical, poor man, she thought. Let him get away and come to his senses by himself.
In the meantime, Holmes had crouched down beside the body. ”Lady Lina! Come here!” he barked.
Lyndred hastened to comply; if anyone else had spoken to her in such a fashion, she probably would have boxed his ears, but her deep and abiding respect for Holmes allowed him to get away with behavior she would not otherwise have tolerated.
When Lyndred arrived, he pointed at the lax features of Wang Chung. ”This gentleman was not Chinese,” he said. ”Note the lack of any epicanthic fold about the eyelids. Furthermore, this moustache and beard are artificial, and the saffron tone to his skin has been achieved by the careful application of stage makeup. From my admittedly cursory examination, I would judge that this fellow is English by birth.”
Lyndred looked thoughtful. ”Hardly a crime, Holmes. Many entertainers use a stage name as well as make-up to alter their appearance. You have done so yourself.”
”To combat criminals, my lady.Not to fool the general public.” Holmes sat back on his heels. ”No one may leave the building until the police have arrived and determined the nature of the unfortunate gentleman’s death. See to it, if you please.”
”What about you, Holmes?” Lyndred knelt down beside her friend and pitched her voice low to avoid being overheard. ”Will you not lend your investigative talents to help solve Wang Chung’s death?”
Holmes drew in a breath and let it out again slowly. ”My dear Lady Lina, from what I have already observed, I would say that Master Chung’s death was accidental. If anyone is so foolish as to stand in front of a firing squad holding loaded weapons, when he is shot it should come as a surprise to no one, including himself.”
Lyndred argued, but Holmes was adamant – he had absolutely no interest in the case.
”Very well, Holmes,” Lyndred finally said. ”I trust you will have no objection if I begin an investigation?”
”If you wish to waste your time, I cannot stop you.” Holmes saw the burly figures of several policemen entering the theater. ”Now, if you will excuse me…”
He departed from the stage, leaving Lyndred alone with a rapidly cooling corpse, several crying children… and a Chinese crone whose papier-mache wrinkles were rapidly sliding off her tear-stained face.
Lyndred walked over to the weeping woman and offered her a clean handkerchief. ”My name is Lady Evangeline St. Claire,” she said. ”Judging from your dissolving features, you are neither Chinese nor as ancient as you seemed. What is your name?”
The woman snuffled, wiping her face with the lace trimmed cloth. ”Miss Christina Shanks, my lady,” she replied in a broken voice.
”Miss Shanks… I offer you my sincerest condolences on your most unfortunate loss.” Lyndred snagged a loose length of linen from a passing stagehand and gave it to Christina, indicating she should wipe her face. ”Perhaps you would care to retire to a more private place to await the police? I am certain they will be at their questioning for hours.”
Lyndred attempted to lead her away, but when Christina saw the two young marksmen being taken away in handcuffs, she burst into a fresh storm of weeping. ”Me Albert! They’re takin’ away me Albert!,” she cried.
”One of those men is your financee?”
”Yes! Oh, please, my lady… don’t let ’em hurt me Albert!”
”I am sure the police are only taking precautions,” Lyndred replied. ”Come; do you have a dressing room? Let us repair there; it will be much more quiet and we can consider what we are to do about your Albert.”
Christina’s dressing room was tiny, scarcely able to hold a small dressing table, mirror, chair and a trunk of costumes. The table was littered with cosmetics; half-open drawers were nearly bursting with wigs, feathers, masks and other paraphernalia of the theater.
Lyndred got Christina settled and helped the woman clean her face with some cream from a jar. Beneath the elaborate Oriental makeup she proved to be a pretty young girl of about twenty with mousy blonde hair and brown eyes that were swollen with tears. She blew her nose vigorously and said, ”I’m sorry, my lady. It’s just that me an’ Albert have been engaged for ever so long, and now who knows when we can have the weddin’?”
”I quite understand, Miss Shanks.” After glancing about, Lyndred settled onto the closed lid of the trunk. ”Perhaps you can tell me precisely what happened this evening.”
”I dunno, my lady,” Christina sniffled. ”It were just like any other night. Nuffin’ special about it.”
”So nothing happened that was out of the ordinary? Nothing at all?”
”Nope.” Christina scratched her head. ”Me Albert and that fellow Simms done it just like always, same bullets and all. Only now he’s dead and me Albert’s in gaol! Oh, lady… can you help him? Me Albert, I mean.”
”I will certainly make it my business to exonerate your fiancee,” Lyndred replied, ”providing, of course, he is not a guilty party.”
”Oh no, my lady! Me Albert’s a good boy, he is… we was plannin’ on getting married next spring, we was just waitin’ for me dowry… Master Chung said he was gonna give me fifty whole pounds to spend on the weddin’.”
”I see.” Lyndred was about to ask another question when she was interrupted by a loud knock on the door.
It was the stage manager, Petrovitch. He had collected himself and was no longer hysterical. ”Christina,” he began upon entering, but stopped when he saw Lina. ”I am begging your pardon, my lady,” he continued with a small tilt of his head. ”The police wish to question Miss Shanks.”
”Very well.” Lyndred stood and exited the small room. When Christina had gone, she turned her attention to the theater manager. ”Mister Petrovitch,” she asked, ”did you notice anything unusual about tonight’s performance?”
Petrovitch’s left eye twitched. ”Nyet. All was as usual, my lady. May I ask, what is your interest in this matter?”
Lyndred considered a moment before replying. ”I am a private consulting detective, Mister Petrovitch. I have been engaged by Miss Shanks to ensure that her fiancee, Albert, is not incarcerated unduly by the police.”
”Ah.” The Russian’s eye twitched more rapidly. ”An unusual occupation for a lady, no?”
”Some may consider it so.” Lyndred pulled the white gloves from her hands and thrust them into the small reticule that hung from one of her wrists. ”May I ask, sir – how well did you know the deceased?”
”I was knowing him only a few weeks, my lady,” Petrovitch answered calmly, although his eye continued its convulsions. His voice held the faintest traceof a Russian accent. ”He was a performer, like so many others; I do not become intimately acquainted with every magician or actor who graces my stage.”
”How long have you been in England, Mister Petrovitch?”
”Many years. I came here as a boy. My family remained behind in Russia, but I still support them.” The twitching in his eye began to slow down. ”If you are excusing me, my lady, I must go. I have much to do.” He bowed from the waist.
Lyndred nodded and the theater manager left.
Lyndred swept past a clustered knot of police officers who were attempting to comfort the three Chinese children – none of whom spoke much English – and confronted Holmes. He was speaking quietly with Detective-Inspector Adam Livingston. ”Holmes? Has anything of importance been uncovered yet?” Lyndred asked.
Livingston eyed her warily. ”And how would you be involved in this affair, madame?”
”If I had my way, not at all,” Holmes muttered, then said more loudly, ”Lady Evangeline St. Claire, Inspector Livingston. A colleague and good friend of mine. In answer to your question, Lady Lina, the only thing we have uncovered is unmistakable evidence that points to an accidental death.”
”What evidence?” Lyndred asked eagerly.
Livingston cleared his throat. He was a short, slightly rotund gentleman with a large fluff of mutton-chop sideburn framing his florid face. ”If you’ll excuse me, Mister Holmes,” he said. ”I’ve got a few details to clear up before we can allow these people to go home.”
”Of course.” Holmes watched him go, then turned to Lina. ”Well?” he asked.
”Thus far, I have discovered that the Chinese crone is a young Englishwoman named Christina Shanks, and that the theater manager, Petrovitch, has a nasty twitch in his eye. Oh, and young Christina is affianced to Albert, one of the marksmen. Neither of them noticed anything unusual or out of place in tonight’s performance.”
”Nor should they have.” Holmes indicated a small table; in the midst of the Oriental splendor that still decorated the stage, the little table, all battered and paint-splattered, seemed incongruous. ”These are the instruments of destruction, or, I should more correctly say, this one in particular.” He picked up a rifle and brandished it at Lina.
She took it from his hand and sniffed the barrel. ”Recently fired,” she observed, then peered down the barrel. ”As it is no longer loaded, I would agree with your conclusion.”
”It is good of you to do so,” Holmes replied. ”Now, then… would you wish to learn Master Chung’s secret of catching bullets?”
”Of course.” Lyndred laid down the rifle and took up the other one. ”However, it would be more sporting of you to allow me to figure it out myself.”
Holmes fidgeted in silence while Lyndred examined the still loaded weapon. ”Ah,” she finally crooned. ”I do believe I have it.”
The detective snatched the rifle from her hand. ”While I admire you greatly, Lady Lina, and count you among my closest friends, you can nevertheless be quite infuriating!”
”Because I did not allow you to amaze me with your deductions? Come, Holmes, I thought us beyond such parlor tricks.”
”It is no trick, as you well know, but the exercise of many years practice in the art of deductive reasoning. But I will not sully my gentlemanly reputation by arguing with a lady,” he replied with a mocking little bow. ”Since you have examined the evidence yourself, have you reached a conclusion?”
”Yes.” Lyndred let Holmes fidget a moment longer before explaining how Wang Chung the Mystical Dragon eluded death by catching bullets… until the fateful night when a bullet caught him instead.
It is really quite simple once one knows the trick to it,” Lyndred said. ”The guns have obviously been altered. Observe.”
She quickly took the rifle apart. ”You see here, in the barrel where one would place a percussion cap – that has been sealed off with a screw and a channel has been bored in the ramrod tube. When this weapon is fired, instead of setting off a blast in the barrel to fire a bullet, a blast is set off in the ramrod tube.”
She shook the barrel upside down and a bit of paper fell to the floor. ”A small and harmless charge of gunpowder is placed within the ramrod tube; this causes the bang and puffs of smoke we expect to see when a rifle is fired. However, the dangerous bullet remains snug within his chamber, causing harm to no one. Master Chung would then produce bullets from somewhere about his person, conceal them within his mouth when the audience was distracted by the firing guns, and pretend to catch the missiles. Ingenious.”
She peered thoughtfully at the disassembled rifle. ”However, tonight something clearly went wrong.”
”Now it is I who must take up the tale,” Holmes said. ”I took the liberty of examining Master Chung’s dressing room while you were comforting maidens in distress. It seems that the gentleman used specially marked bullets in his performances. In order to avoid damaging the bullets, he used the unorthodox method of unscrewing the breech of the rifle in order to remove the bullet instead of the more usual corkscrew. Since he has been performing this feat for some years, his repeated entries into the breech have caused the entire assembly to become unstable. And as Master Chung is inordinately fond of a very fine grain gunpowder – this due to some aesthetic sense, I suppose…”
Lyndred interrupted. ”I see! Some of the gunpowder undoubtedly trickled through the worn threads of the screw and into the barrel itself. When the trigger was pulled, the bullet fired, and Chung was killed instantly. Poor man!”
”Not so poor, I am afraid. Our Mystic Dragon received well over five hundred pounds a week from his performances; more, of course, when entertaining royalty. His manager – the gentleman in the corner wearing the rather unfortunate plaid suit – assures me that Chung has played his role in every European nation on earth, to crowned heads and the more humble. If he has less than twenty thousand in the bank today I would be greatly surprised.”
”Does he have any heirs?” Lyndred asked.
”As I was not engaged as his solicitor, such information is beyond my ken,” Holmes replied. ”Now, I hope you are satisfied that what we witnessed tonight was nothing more than an accident due to man’s carelessness and not murder?”
Lyndred took another look at the rifles and shook her head. ”I am still not entirely certain, Holmes… but for the moment I will agree that something happened here – and a man lost his life in the doing of it.”
The following day, Lyndred was startled to receive a visit from Chung’s manager, Martin Molloy.
”Beggin’ yer pardon, yer ladyship,” Molloy said humbly, snatching the hat from his head and exposing heavily pomaded red hair. ”But I hopes ta have a word er two wit’ ya about me poor boy Chung, seein’ as how I heard ya was interested and all.”
”Of course, Mister Molloy. Do come in,” Lyndred answered, showing him into the drawing room of her home in Grosvenor Square.
Molloy was clearly nervous and constantly pleated the ends of the polka-dotted tie he wore around his neck. ”Ya sees, everybody’s twigged onto the fact that he weren’t exactly a Chinaman. His real name was Christopher Gregory and he come from London. Been on stage his whole life, I reckon, his mum bein’ a nightingale and his da the brain in a head act.”
”I beg your pardon?”
”His mum were a singer and his da did a mentalist act,” Molloy explained. ”Ya knows; one of them fellows what puts on a blindfold and gets his assistant ta go through the crowd and he tells folks what’s in their pockets, that sorta thing.”
”I see. Pray continue, Mister Molloy.” Lyndred began to take notes as the manager spoke.
”Well… he weren’t exactly successful as a magician till he got the idea of dressin’ up as a Chinaman, people bein’ fascinated by the Orient and all. Been goin’ the rounds fer nearly eight years, he has, and a right proud act he had, too. Did his stuff fer royalty and the like.”
”This is all quite fascinating, Mister Molloy, but what has it to do with me?”
”Well, ya sees, yer ladyship… I think Georgie was murdered.”
Tea arrived and Lyndred poured for both of them while Molloy squirmed in his seat with impatience. At last, sipping her tea, she said, ”You interest me strangely, sir. What makes you think Mister Gregory – or Master Chung – was murdered?”
Molloy leaned forward. ”Ya sees, I figures he was killed on account of them people what was followin’ him,” he said in a conspiratorial whisper.
”He was being followed? By whom?”
”I dunno.” Molloy sat back. ”After we left Russia and got back to London, I started noticin’ that wherever we went, there was these fellows right behind us. Everywhere, I tells ya! Enough ta give an honest man a fright. Georgie never noticed ’em, or if he did he ain’t never said. And right before the performance last night, I seen one of those fellows comin’ outta Georgie’s dressin’ room. Plain as day I seen it! So now I knows somethin’ nasty’s up.”
”Did you tell Mister Gregory of your observation?”
”Nope. Didn’t have no time. He were out the door and onto the stage before I could say ‘Jack Robinson’ so I figures I’ll tell him after the show’s over. Only he got shot. And it were no accident; I don’t care what the bloody police say, beggin’ your pardon, yer ladyship.”
Lyndred put her teacup down with a click. ”Why come to me, Mister Molloy? Surely your suspicions would be better off in the hands of the police.”
”Police? Bah!” Molloy spat. ”They thinks they got a closed case and there’s an end to it! No, I was hopin’ you’d get Mister Sherlock Holmes in on it, seein’ as how you two are such good friends and all.”
Lyndred felt a flush creep across her face. Holmes! Although she loved the man dearly, there were times when she wished he would vanish off the face of the earth!
However, she replied calmly, ”I assure you, Mister Molloy, I shall do whatever is within my power to see that Mister Gregory’s death has a proper investigation.” And leave it at that, she silently commanded.
Fortunately, Molloy seemed satisfied. After much thanks and handshaking, he took his leave at last.
After he was gone, Lyndred hurried upstairs to change, ordering her carriage to be brought around from the nearby stables so she could pay a visit to Mister Sherlock Holmes.
Did you hear what I said, Holmes?” Lyndred was nearing the end of her patience and there was a raw edge to her voice that was a clear warning to push no further.
Holmes disregarded that warning. ”I assure you, my dear Lady Lina, I am hardly incapable of hearing. Let me see if I have all the facts at my fingertips.”
He leaned back in his chair and crossed his long legs in front of him in a relaxed posture. ”You say Chung’s stage manager came to visit you this morning. He told you that Chung was, in reality, an Englishman named Christopher Gregory. He also told you that Master Chung was being followed by mysterious persons bent upon some unknown but presumably nefarious purpose. Am I correct?”
”You are,” Lyndred replied shortly. Her green eyes snapped with ire; Holmes’ cavalier attitude infuriated her sometimes. She took a cigarette from the box near her elbow and lit it with a lucifer, ignoring the sharp tang of sulpher. ”Do you think this has no significance, Holmes?”
”I cannot say. Perhaps these gentlemen were merely enamoured of Master Chung’s performance and wished to pay their respects but were shy of thrusting themselves forward. It may all be perfectly innocent, you know.” His gray eyes were the merest slits as he lounged lazily in his chair.
Smoke curled from Lina’s nostrils, wreathing her beautiful face in coiling mist. ”And was Mister Molloy correct in his belief of Master Chung’s true identity?”
”As a matter of fact, he is quite correct,” Holmes drawled. ”Christopher Gregory, son of Mildred Barnstable and Donald Gregory, both veterans of the music hall stage. Began performing simple magic tricks at the age of five; had no great success within the theater until he traveled to Europe and began billing himself as Wang Chung, the Mystical Dragon of the East. He developed his special bullet-catching illusion around the same time and it quickly became his hallmark.
”You should know, Lady Lina, that the bullet-catch has quite the ill reputation among performers, something of the same character as Macbeth has to the acting community.”
”The Scottish play?” Lyndred smiled slightly. ”It is considered bad luck to say the name of the play within the theater. Actors are often superstitious creatures and prone to concoct queer rituals in order to calm their overwrought nerves.”
”You should pay heed to old superstitions, my dear Lady Lina. They have a way of coming true when one least expects it. In the case of the cursed bullet-catch, a number of people have been killed performing this illusion and a host of others wounded. You have perhaps heard of the Belgian magician, Monsieur Fantasm?”
”No, I fear not.” Lyndred settled back in her chair with a resigned sigh; it was no use interrupted Holmes when he was in the midst of anecdote fever.
”Ah.” Holmes steepled his fingertips together. ”It seems that Monsieur Fantasm also had a bullet-catch in his repertoire. His modus operandi was substantially different from Chung’s, however. He would load the bullet into the rifle using his magic wand; a small ball of wax on the end of the wand ensured the retrieval of the bullet, which he then spirited into one of his coat pockets without anyone being the wiser. As an added fillip, he thrust the other end of his ivory-tipped wand into the barrel in order to continue the illusion that there was a bullet within. Unfortunately for the Monsieur, he failed to notice that the ivory tip of his wand broke off in the barrel. When the rifle was fired, he was shot with an ivory bullet and killed instantly.”
”Holmes! What does this have to do with my case?”
”You have no case, my lady! I tell you this story to illustrate the fact that Chung’s death was purely accidental and the result of his own carelessness. The authorities have said so and there rests the case.”
”But…”
”Will you please leave go of this? I beg of you, Lady Lina, do not waste your time or your energy on this non-existent bugaboo, this phantom that haunts your mind… Let it go.”
”But…”
”I have no more to say on the subject. If you wish to continue this fruitless pursuit, you do so without my assistance or my blessing.”
Lyndred flicked her cigarette into the fireplace and stood up. ”Very well, Holmes. So be it.” She gathered up her shawl, reticule and bonnet and left, shutting the door firmly behind her.
Sherlock Holmes stared after her for a long time, his eyes hooded and haunted with shadows of regret.
Lyndred visited the police station, the theater and several other places, saving Chung’s hotel for last. She wanted to search his room to see if she could find anything of interest, anything at all; she had hit a dead end in her investigation and was grasping at straws. Even Christina, having her beloved Albert back, was of the opinion that the case was closed and there was nothing more to be done, except get married to her fiancee in two weeks. The date of the wedding had been moved up considerably, and Lyndred wished the couple a happy life together. At the moment, her own life was becoming more and more frustrating by the second.
Chung had been staying at The Whitsun Royale, a respectable hotel in one of London’s more fashionable areas. By the simple expedient of bribing the desk clerk, Lyndred easily obtained the key to Chung’s room. As she walked up the stairs to the fourth floor, she sincerely hoped that none of the magician’s admirers had gotten the key in the same fashion and inadvertantly destroyed vital evidence… if there was any to be found.
I fear this may yet be another wild goose chase, Lyndred thought. However, I still have suspicions… of what I cannot yet say. Holmes would say that I am behaving illogically and he would be right, but my intuition tells me that something about Chung’s death – or perhaps his life – just does not ring true.
She reached Chung’s room – number 401, the Royale suite and the best to be had in the Whitsun. Placing the key in the lock, she opened the door and stepped inside… then stopped in shock.
Lyndred was not alone.
A pair of gentlemen dressed in nondescript dark gray suits stared back at her, then they moved swiftly in her direction.
Lina, sensing the threat, readied herself; feeling fully prepared to meet any attack with her skill in the deadly Oriental martial art of baritsu.
One of the men made as if to grab her arm – this was a grave mistake on his part. Lina’s foot whipped up and struck him in the knee; as he went down clutching the injured joint, she was already dancing out of the way, skirts held up in one hand, the other slashing across the back of the falling man’s neck and sending him into blissful oblivion.
The second man halted, mouth working. Both men wore blue spectacles and had coffee-brown moustaches; Lyndred noticed out of the corner of her eye that the unconscious man’s moustache was dangling from his lip. It was clearly a fake, a disguise to conceal his true features.
Lyndred fumbled in her pocket with her free hand and produced a small pistol. She held it at arms-length, pointing it steadily at her second assailant. ”Stay right there, my good man!” she commanded. ”I believe I have the advantage.”
The cold barrel of a pistol pressed against the side of her head and a strong arm encircled her neck. ”No longer, your ladyship,” said a cold, silky voice directly in her ear. ”Drop your weapon, if you please.”
Lina’s pistol dropped to the floor with a clatter.
”Who are you?” Lyndred asked as the blue-spectacled man tied her firmly to a chair.
”It does not matter who we are, your ladyship. Only that something of importance was stolen from us and we wish its return.” The gentleman she spoke to was utterly nondescript in height, weight and appearance except for a thin scar that curved from his forehead, over the bridge of his nose and ended in a point at his chin.
”It must be clear to you that I have only just arrived here,” Lyndred said. ”How could I have taken anything of yours?”
”I did not accuse, I merely explain,” the scarred man replied. He lit a cheroot with a lucifer and inhaled deeply. ”You did attack my men, however. It is a good thing for them that I decided to return early, otherwise they may never have lived down the shame of being beaten by a woman.”
Lyndred twisted against her bonds convincingly. Lacking rope, the scarred man had ordered her bound with strips torn from the bedlinens, keeping her covered with his revolver the entire time she had been free. Lyndred hadn’t dared disobey his orders; thus far he had not shown any inclination for violence – and she wanted to keep it that way.
”They frightened me,” she said, blowing a stray lock of black hair out of her eyes. ”The desk manager assured me the room was ready for my occupation… imagine my shock upon finding it torn apart by two apparent burglars.”
”A pleasant story, Lady Evangeline, but one which I unfortunately cannot believe. I do believe that you have no knowledge of what we seek, otherwise…”
”Otherwise?”
The scarred man grinned. ”Otherwise, I would be forced to kill you.”
His voice betrayed a hint of accent… with a start, Lyndred realized that the accent was Russian and very similar to Petrovitch’s. She wondered aloud if there could be a connection.
”Do you truly believe that now, having rendered you helpless for the moment, I shall foolishly reveal to you all my secrets?” The scarred man’s black eyes sparkled with good humor. ”My very dear Lady Evangeline… as long as you are ignorant, you are safe. It would hardly be gentlemanly of me to place you in danger, would it?”
Lyndred was furious. ”You are no gentleman!” she spat. ”If you had anything to do with Chung’s death, I swear that you shall pay for it!”
”Perhaps, my lady. Perhaps.” He turned and glared at his two confederates; the unconscious man had wakened and, although groggy, was clearly ambulatory. He said something in Russian and the two men left, one half-supporting the other.
Turning back to Lina, the scarred man gave her a courtly bow. ”I hope that you will not take this ill, my lady, but it is my sincerest hope that we never meet again.” With this sally, he departed, closing the door gently behind him.
Lyndred ground her teeth… then set about the serious task of loosening her bonds and setting herself free.
It took Lyndred only five minutes to break free of her linen bonds. When her captor had been tying her up, she had surreptitiously held her wrists slightly apart, flexing the muscles in her arms so as to provide a bit of slack when she relaxed. This, too, was a magician’s trick, one she had learned while attending an escape artist’s show with Sherlock Holmes. That method, combined with her natural agility and strength, made breaking free a matter of mere moments.
It is a good thing that I pay attention to more than being entertained, Lyndred thought as she made her way down the stairs, every fiber alert for a possible attack from the Russians. Otherwise, I would be just another heroine in distress, tearfully waiting for the hero of the story to rescue me from certain doom.
In the lobby, the desk clerk was eager to tell Lyndred where the three strangers had gone – for a price. Having already primed the pump with five pounds, Lyndred was not eager to surrender a further sum but relented when she considered the alternative.
I have no wish to be flung into gaol on an assault charge, she thought, even if this bloody clerk is the greediest bastard who has ever been corrupted by the root of all evil.
The clerk, his memory lubricated with a further five pounds, hastened to tell Lyndred that the gentlemen in question had been overheard ordering a cab to take them to Woolsey Street, an address near the Billingsgate docks and one of the seediest places in London.
Lyndred wasted no time in hailing her own hansom cab, bent on pursuit and revenge.
Lyndred tracked the men down to a dilapidated house on Woolsey Street. The unbelievable stench of the Billingsgate docks was well nigh overwhelming, especially in the unusual heat of that year’s spring; the smells of rotting fish, overflowing gutters and horse dung nearly scalded the nostrils and caused the eyes to water in defense.
Picking her way through the garbage strewn yard, Lyndred fought hard to push the overgrown branches of a lilac bush out of her way so she could peer through a dirty window on the ground floor. It was the house’s library, and to her gratification, the three gentlemen were within, gathered around a table, smoking cigars and talking to one another.
By pressing her ear to the glass, Lyndred could just make out what they were saying; unfortunately, it was all in Russian. So she settled down within the prickly confines of the lilac bush, nursing bloody scratches on her arms and keeping one eye cocked on the proceedings.
After an hour had passed, the crunch of carriage wheels up the crushed-shell drive announced a new arrival. Not wanting to give her position away, Lyndred stayed where she was. Her patience was soon rewarded, for Petrovitch entered the library and began speaking to the Russians.
Although she was unable to understand their speech, it was clear that Petrovitch was highly peturbed about something. He was sweating freely and his eye twitched uncontrollably. He waved his arms in an agitated fashion, his voice rising higher and higher… until a sharp word from the scarred man made him fall silent.
The scarred man, clearly the leader of the organization, spoke kindly but firmly to Petrovitch, even going so far as to put a fatherly arm around the other man’s shoulders. Petrovitch’s eye danced more frenzidly at this, but his voice remained in control as he softly answered the scarred man’s inquiries.
Eventually, shoulders slumped in defeat, Petrovitch took his leave, his departing back speaking eloquently of his distress.
As soon as his carriage rolled away, Lyndred extracted herself from the clutches of the lilac bush and, hailing a cab, followed him back to his hotel – not surprisingly, the Whitsun Royale.
Petrovitch was clearly taken aback by Lina’s appearance at his door. Her fashionable visiting gown of blue-gray silk was ripped, even shredded in places; the lace trim and silk roses that swagged the skirts hung crazily from one side. Her bonnet was askew, gloves black with filth, and her dark hair a tangled mess that straggled across one eye. But the one green eye visible was bright with undeniable purpose and the theater manager was unable to prevent Lyndred from entering his rooms.
She stripped off her gloves, glancing at them with a grimace before tossing them into a nearby wastepaper basket. ”Thank you for agreeing to see me, Mister Petrovitch,” Lyndred said, perching on a tufted ottoman and arranging her torn skirts as neatly as possible. ”I assure you that the matter is of some importance, otherwise I would hardly have arrived at your doorstep in such an unsuitable state.”
”That is all right, your ladyship,” Petrovitch replied. ”I am offering you anything you like; maybe a nice cup of tea?”
”No, thank you.” Lyndred looked around the room, absently untying her wrecked bonnet and placing it on a nearby table. ”I have come, Mister Petrovitch, because I have reason to believe that you were involved in the death of the magician Wang Chung, also known as Christopher Gregory.”
”My dear lady!” Petrovitch’s eye twitched. ”How can you be making such accusations?!”
Lyndred leaned forward, her expression one of triumph. ”Because not an hour ago I saw you enter a house, Mister Petrovitch. A house containing three Russians whom I believe to be agents of a foreign power bent upon doing some harm to Her Majesty’s Empire. I tell you, sir, that you seem to be involved in dangerous affairs that may have international consquences far beyond those of a simple magician’s death. Tell me I am wrong, and I shall tender my apologies and leave at once.”
Petrovitch collapsed into a chair, rubbing his temples with one hand. ”I cannot, Lady Evangeline. You are correct. What am I to be doing? I cannot tell you, for if I do then innocents may die.”
”I assure you, Mister Petrovitch, that I will do everything within my power to protect you and these innocents of which you speak. Tell me, please… what evil is afoot and how are you involved?”
Petrovitch’s watery blue eyes seemed to shimmer with unshed tears as he searched her face. At last, with a sigh, the Russian surrendered, deciding he could no longer conceal that which he had kept hidden for so long. ”Very well, my lady. I shall reveal all and trusting you I will be.”
Lyndred settled down to listen to Petrovitch’s tale. When he was finished, she stood up and swiftly gathered her things. ”Sir… we must go at once to Sherlock Holmes.”
”Can he help us?”
Lyndred looked down at the mournful Russian. ”Mister Petrovitch, at this moment only Sherlock Holmes can save us all.” Her green eyes glittered with excitement. ”We must leave immediately. There are more lives at stake than you know.”
She led Petrovitch downstairs, keeping her pistol handy… and soon they were on their way to Baker Street.
Holmes lit his pipe and allowed a trickle of smoke to escape his lips. ”Lady Lina! And Mister Petrovitch! What a pleasant surprise! Do come in.”
Lyndred led Petrovitch past the stout form of the housekeeper, Mrs. Hudson, and nodded to the recumbant figure of Holmes. The great detective lazed on the sofa, legs covered by a knitted afghan, a snifter of brandy at hand. Mrs. Hudson, with a disapproving sniff, shut the door and left the three of them alone.
”Well, my lady,” Holmes said, eyeing Lina’s torn dress, ”I trust that something of moment has occured in your little investigation? Or perhaps in your personal life?” he jibed.
”A deduction, Holmes?” Lyndred raised an ebony brow and indicated the scratches on her arms. ”I assure you they were not caused by an hysterical female, but rather an overly aggressive lilac bush.”
”Ah.” Holmes took another puff of his pipe. ”You have been in Billingsgate, have you not? In Woolsey Street, if I am not mistaken, where you crouched in the dirt and endured the prickly tentacles of the lilac bush whilst spying upon three Russians. A fourth entered, whom you knew, so you abandoned your post in favor of confronting this fourth party… and that is Mister Petrovitch, I assume?”
”Correct. You doubtless deduced my presence in Billingsgate by the still detectable odor of the mud on the hem of my skirts; the Woolsey street connection by the clods of dirt on my shoes… but how on earth did you know about the Russians?”
Holmes let out a barking little laugh. ”I have known about the Russians since my brother Mycroft informed me of them yesterday evening. He also provided information on Mister Petrovitch’s involvement in this affair. It involves far more than you know, Lady Lina.”
Lyndred snorted. ”I know quite a bit, Holmes. Let me see if I have all the facts at my fingertips,” she said in a sarcastic imitation of the great detective. ”From what Mister Petrovitch revealed to me, the three Russians are agents of that government, sent to retrieve a highly sensitive document, the contents of which our good theater manager is ignorant. His role in this little drama was simple; he informed the Russians of Master Chung’s movements while in London and provided them with access to the backstage area of the theater… he further revealed to them the secret of Master Chung’s altered rifles.”
Petrovitch stirred in his chair. ”I was overseeing him one evening when he thought he was alone. Illyanovitch, the chief, was wanting to be informed of every detail, so this I told him, too. He must have sabotaged the rifle to kill Chung. I swear I did not know!”
”That is quite all right, Mister Petrovitch,” Holmes said. His gray eyes gleamed. ”Do go on, my dear lady.”
Lyndred inclined her head. ”Mister Petrovitch was laboring under pressure; his family still resides in Russia, and their lives were threatened. If he did not cooperate, his family would be killed. He had no choice but to do as they commanded.”
”Quite understandable,” Holmes replied.
”Wang Chung, the Mystic Dragon of the East – or Christopher Gregory – was not only a magician. He was an agent of Her Majesty’s government, charged with seeking out information about foreign powers that might be relevant to the Empire’s international security. His disguise as a Chinaman was a stroke of brilliance; as a skilled performer and an Oriental, he would be welcomed in courts around the world, and as it was believed that he spoke only Chinese, people would not be overly cautious about what was said in his presence.”
Lyndred pushed a strand of black hair out of her eyes before continuing. ”At any rate, Chung discovered something in his recent visit to the Czar’s court; his natural agility, sleight-of-hand skill and other tricks in the magician’s repertoire can also be used for a more nefarious purpose – that of burglery. Some document was stolen, concealed within his trunks, and brought back to London.”
”Correct.” Holmes tapped his pipe against the hearth; a shower of sparks littered the carpet and were extinguished by his foot. ”What then, my lady?”
Lyndred delicately scratched her cheek. ”The Russians discovered the theft and sent agents to retrieve the document. But Chung was too clever; he destroyed the original, but made a copy and hid it in such a way that they could not find it. So they began to follow him, hoping to observe him passing the document to British agents.”
”Allow me to finish the tale,” Holmes said. ”The document in question is the draft of a highly secret treaty being explored between the governments of France and Russia. As Her Majesty’s government has already made agreements with France, you can imagine the consquences if such a treaty were to come to light.”
Lyndred nodded. ”Of course. The Great Game must continue, eh Holmes?”
”Born in the deserts of Afghanistan, who knows where and how it will end?” Holmes grimaced at his empty pipe and laid it aside. ”I detest this cloak and dagger nonsense, but Mycroft insisted the details be kept concealed from everyone, including yourself. Chung was supposed to pass the treaty to British agents following the show last evening but was killed by the Russians. They had already searched his dressing room… I assume they believed they had their property, otherwise they would hardly have murdered the only person who knew where it was hidden.”
”They found some papers written in code,” Petrovitch mumbled. ”They were thinking it was the copy of the treaty, but it turned out to be Chung’s personal notes on some of his magic tricks.”
”I can imagine their chagrin,” Lyndred said. ”With Chung dead, they had no way of locating the treaty.”
”Precisely.” Holmes looked grim. ”Mycroft has charged me with locating the missing treaty. I searched Chung’s dressing room and his trunks, costumes and the like, and came up empty. I also searched his hotel room.”
”So did the Russians.” Lyndred smiled ruefully. ”That is how I met them, Holmes. Fortunately, they did nothing more harmful than securing me to a chair.”
”As you are my protege, you know you are of interest to foreign powers, my dear lady.” Holmes’ brows came together in a frown. ”I am gratified that you came to no harm, but after all my warnings…”
”You protested too much, Holmes! You know I can never resist a challenge. I applaud your actor’s skills, however this time you laid it on a bit thick. I was more determined than ever to get to the bottom of this mess.” Lyndred sat down with a sigh. ”Now all we need to do is find the missing treaty.”
There was silence while Lyndred thought… then she suddenly grinned from ear to ear. ”Holmes!,” she announced with an air of triumph. ”I know where the treaty is!”
”You do?” Holmes sat up straight, knocking over his brandy snifter. ”But how?”
Lyndred raised an eyebrow and her grin widened. ”Because like any well mannered cavalier, I always render aid to damsels in distress!”
Both Holmes and Petrovitch looked askance… until Lyndred explained.
The door cracked open, one brown eye visible in the faint trace of daylight left. ”Yes?,” a woman’s voice said.
”Miss Christina Shanks?,” Lyndred asked. ”Remember me? Lady St. Claire?”
”Oh, yes!” The door swung wide open, revealing the pretty young stage assistant. ”Good evenin’, yer ladyship.” She bobbed her head and made a small curtsy. ”What can I do for you?”
”Christina, I hope you can help me,” Lyndred said, entering the small flat. She had taken the time to change her ruined clothing, ignoring Holmes’ chuffs and exclamations of impatience. Now clad in a lovely cream and navy striped dress with yards of ruffled trim, she looked the very picture of an aristocratic lady of means.
Holmes followed at Lina’s heels, earning a startled glance from Christina. ”Who’s he?” she asked, backing away in alarm.
”It is quite all right, Christina,” Lyndred said. ”This is Mister Sherlock Holmes; he escorted me here.”
”Miss Shanks,” Holmes said with a sardonic tilt to his head. ”I trust we have not unduly discommoded you.”
”Well, I dunno,” Christina answered, hitching at the neck of her thread-bare robe. ”What do you want?”
”We have come here regarding something that was taken from Master Chung’s dressing room…,” Holmes began.
Christina’s mouth opened and closed several times, then her face crumpled. ”Ooooooh!” she wailed, ”Don’t send me ta gaol! Please, yer ladyship! I didn’t mean nuffink by it! It were only me due, that! And me Albert didn’t do nuffnik wrong, neither!”
Lyndred hastened to comfort the weeping woman. ”I told you, Christina, it is all right. We are not here to arrest you. We only want information.”
Christina snuffled heavily. ”I didn’t mean no harm… I was only takin’ me due.”
”I know.” Rolling her eyes, Lyndred offered the sniveling young woman a clean handkerchief from her reticule. After Christina had blown her nose and wiped her wet face, the peer continued, ”What did you take from Master Chung? Was it your money?”
”Yes.” Christina plopped down on an ottoman. ”He was dead, wasn’t he? And him what promised me fifty pounds fer my weddin’ with me Albert. It was only what was owed to me, nuffink more or less.”
”I understand.” Lyndred ignored Holmes’ muffled snort. ”So after the police finished questioning you, you went back to Master Chang’s dressing room and took fifty pounds…”
”Not quite.” Christina stared at the tips of her embroidered slippers. ”He owed me fer the week, didn’t he? And me Albert, too.”
”How much did you take, Miss Shanks?,” Holmes asked.
Christina mumbled, ”Hundred pounds.” She looked up and her brown eyes flashed with defiance. ”It were me due!,” she insisted.
”Now listen to me, Christina,” Lyndred said seriously, crouching down so she could look the young woman in the eye. ”This is very important so I want you to think hard before you answer me. Was the money lying lying loosely on the table or was it wrapped up in something, a paper perhaps?”
Christina looked puzzled. ”No… not paper…”
Holmes sagged and sank down into a nearby chair. ”A complete waste of time,” he muttered beneath his breath.
Lyndred shot him a searing glare, then bestowed a more patient look on Christina. ”Not paper? Then it was wrapped in something? What was it? A cloth? A strip of leather?”
Christina frowned in disgust. ”No,” she said in the tone reserved for speaking to very small children or the mentally ill. ”It was in a nice clean envelope.”
”An envelope?” Lina’s voice betrayed her excitement. ”Do you still have it?”
”Mmmm…” Christina’s eyes scrunched up in contemplation. ”I think it’s in me bureau. I always keep nice bits of paper and such. I’ll just go have a look, shall I?”
By this time, Holmes had sat up, electrified. Could the solution be so close at hand? he wondered. Could it be this simple?
The soft smile that curved Lina’s lips answered him simply: Yes. It can.
In a few moments, Christina returned bearing in her hands a simple cream envelope. Lyndred took it from her reverently. Holmes rose from his chair to stand directly over Lina’s shoulder, peering at the envelope with intense concentration.
Christina scratched her head. ”How come a posh lady like you wants a plain old envelope? I’d have thought you could afford to buy much fancier ones.”
Lyndred walked over to the hearth and stirred up the fire with the iron poker. ”Ah, but I could never buy an envelope such as this, my dear Christina. For this is a magic envelope. Observe! Abracadabra!”
She carefully used the small jacknife Holmes handed her to cut apart the flaps that held the envelope in its shape. When she finished, she held a flat, oddly shaped piece of paper with several deep creases. Lyndred then held the paper close to the fire, taking care not to scorch it.
In a few moments, dark brown lettering began to appear on the pristine surface.
”Ooooooh!,” Christina squealed. ”Ain’t that a proper trick!”
”Yes, isn’t it?” Lyndred answered, but her eyes sought out Holmes’. ”Quite a proper magician’s trick, I should say.”
”And you would be absolutely correct,” the detective answered. He took the paper from Lina’s hands and examined the writing. ”A more expensive envelope could hardly be found; the cost was a man’s life,” he said, folding it up and storing it away inside his inner coat pocket. ”I shall see that no time is wasted delivering it into my brother Mycroft’s hands.”
Holmes disappeared into the night…
And Lyndred watched her friend and mentor go, a warm sense of satisfaction at solving the unsolvable glowing down to her very bones.
LONDON, ENGLAND
July 1889
Ramona rolled her turquoise blue eyes and huffed, ”But Lina! You haven’t finished the story!”
”Have I not?” Lyndred bestowed a warm smile on the woman she loved. ”The copy of the treaty was recovered, thus ending both investigation and my tale.”
”Hmph!’, Well, one thing I can surely puzzle out for myself.”
”And what is that, my dear?”
”It’s an old nursery trick. Remember, my father was a tutor and I grew up in the classroom. When children want to play at sending ‘secret messages’ to one another, they use milk or lemon juice as ink. It disappears on the paper, but when it’s heated, the lettering reappears as if by magic,” Ramona said smugly.
”Well done!,” Lyndred replied. ”Although I never heard of that particular trick myself until Holmes and I exposed a false medium who used that same method to cause ‘spirit messages’ to appear before the eyes of bereaved and vulnerable relatives.”
Ramona smiled. ”But how did you know that Christina had the copy of the treaty? Even Holmes was unable to locate it…”
Lyndred sighed. ”Sometimes Holmes can be very obtuse, especially when it comes to members of the female sex. He finds their behavior illogical and quite baffling.”
”Apparently, so do I.” Ramona thought hard but finally admitted defeat.
Lyndred provided an explanation. ”Remember when I told you that Christina and her Albert had been unable to get married because of the fifty pound dowry promised by Master Chung? And yet, when I visited Miss Shanks the day after the murder, their wedding had been planned for two weeks hence instead of the following spring. I admit that I did not make the necessary connection at the time…”
Ramona interrupted. ”Of course! Christina Shanks was a very practical woman, wasn’t she? Lack of money was the only obstacle standing between her and wedded bliss with Albert. So it follows that she must have obtained the necessary funds in an incredibly short amount of time. And the only way she could have done this was by taking it from a source where it wouldn’t be missed… Master Chung’s dressing room!”
”Yes, my dear. Once I realized that the treaty had been searched for by experts and remained out of sight, the only possible conclusion was that it had been removed from its place of concealment. Where could it be? And since it had not yet surfaced, it had obviously been taken by a person ignorant of its contents. Thus my hypothesis that Christina was the unwitting thief, which proved to be a correct one.”
”When you explain it everything sounds so simple,” Ramona said.
I just used the word necropolis in a day to day conversation. The person I used it in conversation with had no idea what it meant. It made me feel a bit out of place. After leaving the conversation, I started thinking about my use of the word on my way back to the office. …
ne·crop·o·lis Pronunciation Key (n-krp-ls, n-)
n. pl. ne·crop·o·lis·es or ne·crop·o·leis (-ls)
A cemetery, especially a large and elaborate one belonging to an ancient city.
[Greek nekropolis : nekro-, necro- + polis, city; see pel-3 in Indo-European Roots.]
Source: The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.
Ne*crop”o*lis, n.; pl. Necropolises. [NL., fr. Gr. ?; ? a dead body, adj., dead + ? city.] A city of the dead; a name given by the ancients to their cemeteries, and sometimes applied to modern burial places; a graveyard.
Source: Webster’s Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc.
necropolis n : a tract of land used for burials [syn: cemetery, graveyard, burial site, burial ground, burying ground]
Source: WordNet ® 1.6, © 1997 Princeton University
I never knew that a necropolis could mean a dead body. However, I’ve always had a much more morbid musing on the word than the rather simple definitions below suggest. I mean, the idea of a “city of the dead” certainly is image evoking. Who built it, for instance? If there are that many people that can support an engineering/architecture project specifically for the dead, don’t you think you’d find another way to dispose of the leftovers? I guess some cultures religions venerate the dead to the point where such labors of life in worship of death would be seen as appropriate (i.e. ancient Egypt), but what do we know about them? Everything we learn about them, we learn from the city they built for their deceased, as their cities are long reduced to rubble, then built over.
City of the dead has always made me think of a skyline of crypts and sarcophagi. Of overgrown shrines, and cracked headstones. A smell of heavy perfume to cover up the cabbagey ripeness of decay, and a heavy covering of green to try and erase the underlying tones of all the grey from the stone and the death. Necropolis echoes to me a thought of a parasitic living culture leeching off the grandeur of a tower of Babel to the dead.
All this imagery, why the hell did I use it to refer to a big pile of out-of-use monitors?
I think that perhaps morbidity has become so ingrained in my perspective that it is like a light filter for a photographer. Life without the glare and intensity to eliminate the shadows becomes too dull. Looking at a vista without the grainy focus of a wide angle lens steals something from the breathtaking capabilities of a scene. I can’t look at much without thinking about the inevitability of time and decay. Perhaps I read too many Raistilin stories at an impressionable age. I don’t believe in the inevitability of events, but I am a staunch supporter of the inevitability of time. Over a long enough timeline, the human survival ratio drops to zero. Something like that (a la fight club).
What does that have to do with Technical directors who don’t know multisylabic nouns from an eschew chunk of the language we breathe day in and out?
Not a damn thing, but it keeps the wheels in my head greased, and I guess that’s about all I can ask for on a day like today.
First Frost. Sniper Caught. Burning emails in my inbox when i get in. Dammit, I was all inspired to write some big poetic thing, and my inspiration was duly squashed by the bane of my existnace at work. Sometimes, I really wonder if the salary pays.
Tim just got so upset, apparently, he felt he needed to leave the chat channel we haunt, over what i thought was a fairly banal discussion about the semantics of the morning after pill. I know from previous experince that Tim is very passionate about the issue, but not the point of abruptness that I witnessed today.
I guess I don’t really care… it all comes down to a matter of personal opinion anyway; I just wish that he wouldn’t go asking a really deep question, then not hang around to talk about the asnwer. JY and I had some good discourse about it, which involved these two analogies:
[13:00] <@idboy> akin to putting a desert eagle to a 1 year olds brainpan and pulling the trigger.
[13:01] <@Balr0g> nono
[13:01] <@idboy> Apart from this arguement, which i will be withdrawing from in a second, i’d like us all to enjoy the image ive created above
And…
[13:06] <@Balr0g> if someone took them the day before a booty call, so that they wouldn’t have to worry about getting pregnant, its defintiely a contraceptive… if someone took it after a booty call as a just in case cleanup, there is more of an argument that it is not a contraceptive, but, at the same time, you are not even affecting the zygote (if indeed one exists)
[13:06] <@Balr0g> simply making sure it has nowhere to call home once it swims downstream, and making sure it _goes_ downstream with all the timber for the potential aforementioned home
[13:06] <@idboy> well, it does take time for things to get cooking.
[13:06] <@Balr0g> right
[13:07] <@idboy> Thats a lovely analogy
Personally, I don’t thik any man has a say in the decision, unless they are the potential father of the child, In that case, the matter should be weighted beore a tribunal of women judges, who onl delibeerate this issue. If you donate your sperm, you gave up your tights to it… without the in-person delivery, you don’t get a say. Potential moms should be obligated to at least drop a line, thats about as much of an impingement on women’s rights I’ll make. Other than that, this is a strictly female matter. Women took care of it for thousands of years before some dumb schmuck came along and decided to legislate the issue. The only reason they did that was because of forced social morality and capitolism.
Ultimately, as I said above, it comes down to a matter of personal beliefs. The legislation is changed by money. So, if you have lots of money, and strong personal beliefs, you can get things done. Otherwise, just get in line with the rest of us signwavers, and pretend that what you say matters to someone other than yourself.
God these weblogs are so conceited =P
http://www.smalltime.com/dictator.html
http://teacher.scholastic.com/scholasticnews/games_quizzes/quiz/index.asp
http://www.burstnet.com/cgi-bin/ads/ad4284a.cgi/5607/RETURN-CODE
http://news.scotsman.com/aberdeen.cfm?id=1129532002
http://www.blackpeopleloveus.com/
Lastly, possibly the coolest tning I’ve seen on the net for some time:
http://lcamtuf.coredump.cx/evilfinder/ef.shtml
dent dot impress the bands powderkeg and hauling
canniness to focus necropsy in therminally hypnotic
digression of body parts at the flash of light puissant death
more downed with symptoms mute to activity drug to hog
essence of themetabolism additives of hardcore sex divides
a creature of entity and era of life span deteration and edge
futile and unconscious cannons tat arrow life mutes
slices with chemicals and lite fixations blundering the deaf
dulling the adpatation in brutal methods with a sexual stigma
absolute to bare the cold and define torment in robust
to feed his insects and fertil the fettle for lust at the edge
festering and thickness of orface and innate a solitary
blotched broken fallible to rue a convicts innocence and die
and his justice the chamber of cemented powder docile
scope research labes the endless jello and waxing of shit
dying laughing watching disaster at his deadliness the screw
with rope whip wand and chop chop greasing and presto
flaunting the backing heavily basting with coke the calamitous
somewhat gloomy days questing the forlorn of gulfing
whitering and the hide of murder the resin of lime and lye
staffing tobacco and coating the clouds of decent egging it
he pushs and bands balloning sculpting pockets internally
gastric flows sex the genital death he does not procrastinate
Rich is listening to the MK soundtrack. Its been a long time since i heard this thing. I got The Thousand Orcs so I think I’m going to be in Salvatore land for a while now. Work sucked today, the inet connection kept goin up and down. On the upside though, I have nearly completed my character plot for the Dark Ages game. Man I hope the character gets approved…
I’m hoping to get through TTO by tomorrow. We’ll see how thick a read it is…
Updates as they happen, news at 11.
[09:53] <@johnnywhy> driving in manhattan is like trying to fuck a drunk wolverine. EVen if you get where you’re after, you’ll be a mess afterwards.
Russell Mokhibar: If India adopted the Bush administration’s policy on
preemptive attack, vis a vis let’s say Pakistan, or if China adopted the
Bush administration policy on preemptive attack, vis a vis Taiwan, would
you consider that a lawful policy under international law?
Ari Fleischer: Well, I think what’s different is the unique history of
Iraq and the irrationality of Iraq. Different policies work in different
regions of the world, and different doctrines work at different times
and in different regions because of the local circumstances. Policies of
containment work more with a rational figure than with an irrational
one. That’s why the policy of containment worked vis a vis the Soviet
Union. Iraq, on the other hand, given its military history, given the
amount of weaponry that Iraq has acquired that they have actually used
to invade their neighbors, to attack their neighbors, to launch missiles
against their neighbors, has not been deterred by such policies in the
past. Given the fact that an irrational leader who has a history of
military force and military use and military aggression and domination
may acquire a nuclear weapon, the question is, should it be the policy
of the United States to do nothing, and allow such a leader to acquire a
weapon that he could then use to blackmail the world and blackmail the
region, and even use it to harm us.
(the content of the previous two posts owe props to becknews)
Decoys:
http://reverendsunshine.com/decoy2.htm
Wheee!
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story2&u=/021004/170/2dkgf.html&e=8
Ah, the prod scots!
http://www.news.scotsman.com/scotland.cfm?id=1145092002
You think thats wierd? Check out what else has been illegal:
http://www.dribbleglass.com/subpages/strange/sexlaws.htm
And what all that fuckin will get you (or not, in this case)
http://www.newsday.com/news/health/ny-hstwin162967333oct16.story
Atlantis Revealed?
http://www.charlotte.com/mld/observer/news/4259131.htm
Conspiray, Conspiray, Conspiray, Conspiray!
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2002/10/15/wcalv15.xml/
Cross Refrences for the above article, for those who don’t know all the groups involved:
http://www.americanatheist.org/pope99/calvi.html
Ok, so, um, yeah, anyone who doesn’t know about the Vampire Dark ages RPG is gonna think this is pretty nuts. Its a charater for an online rpg I’m (hopefully) getting into within the week.
Quaestor Lucius Sabbatius / Rabbi Judah Hanasi (Originally Daniyel of Jerusalem)
(character background and history, to accompany character sheet)
Regional Background, Family History and Sire, Mortal History (Jerusalem – Romania ~1BCE)
Nearly a century and a half before the birth of the world-changer called The Christ (by some), the roots of the only remaining branch of the Hanzzyri Clan lay deep in the soil of Jerusalem, under a surname now lost to iniquity. They were a trading family, fairly well off within the ranks of merchant traders of the day. They imported, among many goods and products from Greece and Crete through the coastal areas of modern-day Israel and were the chief dealers of olive oil through the eastern reaches of Syria, Jordan, and Egypt. Their many successes with both seafaring voyages and overland caravans led to a drastic increase in the family profits. They dealt gingerly with the political web of Imperial (Roman) and Regional governments, and traded briskly with whomever was offering the best profits. At this time, the family was lead by Yanake, and his wife Danae. They were both the great-great grandchildren of Greek traders who relocated to Jerusalem seeking a gateway to the nations further east, who intermarried with local Hebrew families, and adopted their ways over several generations. Yanake and Danae were married ~65 BCE, according to the records of the family lineage. Yanake was a hardworking and lucky trader, and his wife a shrewd merchant, and forecaster of financial and political trends.
Yanake and Danae were blessed with three sons through the course of their marriage; Amos (born 62 BCE), Shemu’el (born 60 BCE) , and lastly Daniyel, who was a blessing in the later years of the couples marriage (48 BCE).
By the time Daniyel was of age to be considered a man, Yanake and his wife were well into the golden years of their marriage, their business was prospering, and their two eldest sons seemed interested in continuing the family trading business. Daniyel, however, wanted to be a soldier. Mystified by the tales of the king who he was named after, and the military acts of his historical forebears, he wanted to carve a name for himself in glory and blood, rather than wealth and oil. Yanake attributed his youngest son’s fire to his youth, and determined that a marriage would dampen some of the flame, and allow his good senses to prevail over the passion of his blood. When a match was arranged for Daniyel (Amos was already married, and Shemu’el promised but away on a trading voyage), he did the last thing his father and mother expected him to do. He fled. This was when he was at the age of 16 (32 BCE).
Daniyel changed his name to Judas, lied about his age and experience, and joined up with one of his father’s caravan’s heading north; to the furthest reaches of the civilized world, on an expansive trading mission. Partially due to his gilded tongue, partially because he was knowledgeable about the workings of caravans from listening to the tales of his father and brothers, he was able to sign on as a caravan guard. By the time his family learned of his disappearance, Judas was on a boat across the Mediterranean, heading towards the ultimate destination of Dacia (in what is now modern-day Romania). A small trading community had formed to encourage commerce with the local communities and tribes of barbarians on the border of civilization, and several influential trading families had spent large amounts of resources to see to their interests. (The roots of this community would one day lead to the formation of the city known as modern day Bucharest). Judas lived through many adventures on his way to this frontier land of the eastern Imperial empire, but only the last leg of his journey holds any importance to this tale.
On the last month of the journey though the treacherous wilderness of Dacia, Judas’ caravan was attacked late one night by a war band. They slaughtered many of the guards, and Judas took a grievous wound in the melee (from, in fact, a fellow soldier, who struck blindly and out of fear at the voice of his comrade). When the sun broke through the misty clouds of morning, seventeen members of a caravan of seventy lived to continue on, and only ten of these were uninjured. They would have perished in the harsh wilderness between the site of their loss and their ultimate destination, had it not been for the band of gypsies they encountered, who led them safely to the outskirts of Byrcrizt. Judas, who was injured, was tended to by one of the Olona (spirit-women) of the Hanzzyri clan of gypsies, whom he fell in love with in the short weeks to their destination. Her name was Irlya. She would only tend to Judas during the night, when her calls to the spirit world would be heard most clearly.
The caravan reached the trading outpost, and Irlya transferred the care of her wounded ward to the healers of the local synagogue (established through the collected funds of the local families). Judas was the only one of the seven injured to survive the month’s trek from the scene of the battle. Each of the others had fallen, while Judas had slowly regained his strength. Judas had been blood bonded to Irlya, who was the childe of one of the local Tzimiche warlords, who used her to keep tabs on the gypsy tribes that traversed the land. She wanted him planted in the town as a long term scheme against her sire, should the need to cross him ever occur. Irlya left Judas in Byrcrizt
Judas knew the pain of injury, and the suffering of his long recovery, but he did not truly know agony until he was parted from Irlya. He ached for her, and barely slept for the first week of his separation from her. However, her last commands to him were to study and become a productive part of the synagogue, and that she had reassured him she would return to visit him the following season when her tribe returned to the region. Judas followed her wishes, and confessed to the Rabbi his past and his pride, save for his love of Irlya. The Rabbi, realizing that Judas could not make the journey back to his parents with wounds he had received, and had little chance of finding gainful work elsewhere in the bustling trading town, took him in as a student, and started him on the path of knowledge. He sent a letter with the next caravan leaving back towards Israel telling Judas’ family he was alive and well, requesting instructions as to what they wanted him to do. He received no response.
Judas’ family had been faithful, and Judas had been raised a Jew, but he did not truly understand what it was to be a member of his faith until that first year (30 BCE) under the tutelage of his new master, Rabbi Hosea. He learned the limited history of the region, as the heads of the synagogue understood it, the history of his people, and even some of the deeper secrets of the tomes his people revered as the true blood of their history. For many hours he toiled learning the basics of his faith, and after a year, as promised Irlya returned to him. As overjoyed as he was at her presence, his time with her was limited, as he had to sneak away from his master to see her. The time she was near flew by him, and when Irlya announced she would have to leave again, he was distraught, and ready to leave all his work behind. Irlya warned him that if he were ever to do so before she was ready, he would never see her again. Thus bound, Judas returned to his studies, and toiled for a decade, yearning for the week he spent with his love each year, until Irlya decided he was ready.
By the time Judas had fully attained the rank of Rabbi, he was nearly thirty, and still unwed (which was almost unheard of for a man his age). Rabbi Hosea wanted to turn the workings of the synagogue over to his care (for, in fact Judas already managed much of its day-to-day affairs, including the tutoring of three neonates to the Rabbinical process) but was hesitant to do so until Judas was married. Each time Hosea brought it up, Judas would fly into a sulking rage for days. Ultimately, fate intervened when Hosea dropped dead in the middle of a Sabbath service, and Judas was forced to step into the position. By this time Byrcrizt had become a full fledged frontier town, and had a growing population that paid tribute to one of the local warlords to protect the steady stream of caravans which traveled back and forth to the southern seas to trading ships to afar. The town council (which was made up of a motley collection of important Jewish families, local tribal families who had stopped wandering and settled into a craft, and the few Imperial citizens who had dared to brave the far expanses of the North) paid this tribute to Vyliyos, an undefeated warlord with a fearsome horde, and, coincidentally, the sire of Irlya.
To the citizens of Byrcrizt, Vyliyos meant death, and safety. To forego his tribute would mean the destruction of the town. However, with his tribute paid, none needed to fear an attack on any of the caravans moving to the south. None ever inquired what became of the young boy and winsome virgin who delivered his tribute yearly to the ancient monolith in the grove beyond the river at the edge of town. To give two that eight hundred might live in safety is not so much, especially when you considered that his coin price of fealty was much cheaper than constant caravan losses many other frontier cities paid. The tribute bearers were chosen by lottery, and while none were happy about the process, none complained too loudly. The citizens of Byrcrizt had sold their souls to a Fiend.
This cycle had followed, in much the same manner as Judas’ annual visits with Irlya, for two years after the death of Hosea. The only difference was that for the first time in a decade, Irlya took an interest in Judas’ studies. About a week after the death of Judas’ mentor, Irlya appeared suddenly and alone, with a cart of scrolls, books, and tablets she wanted him to try and decipher and translate. Judas had no way of knowing that he was about to break the cycle upon which the lives of all he had known for the last ten years, except for one person, were dependent on.
However, by the time he did realize it, there was nothing he could do about it.
Times of Discovery and Embrace (~20 BCE – 70 CE)
Judas took to the task of deciphering the clutter of the cart with more seriousness than he had attempted any task in his life. The task consumed him, so much so that he began to miss services, and his reluctant students had to cover for him in circumstances which normally involved his presence. The local community was incensed, but he explained it away cleverly each time the issues of his absence came to a confrontation of words. After nearly three months of solid study, Judas established enough of a baseline in his translation and transcription that he could return to some of the more public duties of his office and avoid the ire of his community.
As engrossed as Judas had been in the lore of his faith and people, he became even more enveloped in the contents of the quest to decipher the body of work laid out before him. It was from a variety of sources and languages, and while some of it was work he was already familiar with (through secondhand wisdom, if not firsthand reading) there were several fragments of work which fascinated him. He could neither determine the language of their origin, nor comprehend their meaning. After some time, Judas determined they must be in code, and, as such, began to develop his research towards the ancient rites of Kabala, and the numerology of other ancient tongues.
It took nearly two years to accomplish the task, but, by the end of his toils, it appeared to Judas that the knowledge held in the cart was all leaning towards one path; an obscure Thaumaturgical rite which was referenced (in some part) within the fragments he could not decipher. Although he could not unlock the keystone to the research, he had enough to tell his beloved Irlya when she arrived. The rite had something to do with summonings, bonds, and bindings, and made several references to cities, names, and other rites he could not begin to fathom, or, which Judas assumed, were explained within the untranslatable fragments of ancient parchment.
When Irlya arrived in the spring, she was overjoyed at Judas’ progress. She asked him to run away with her, and to help her complete the final phase of a project she had been working on for years.
Judas did not even inform his students of his departure.
After fleeing into the night with Irlya, Judas was nearly overwhelmed with the sweep of sick adoration and anticipation he felt. All the while as they trekked through the dark, Irlya quizzed Judas on what he had found, and what he could not understand. After reaching the monolithic grove, in the dark of the new moon, Irlya offered Judas a chance to learn that which he could not decipher, if he was willing to offer himself to her. He did so, and was embraced that night, and indoctrinated into the secrets of the Hanzzyri sept of the Tzimiche clan. Newly born into undeath, and overcome by a ravaging hunger, he broke free of his mistress while she recovered from the trials of his embrace, and raced across the countryside. Only a few leagues from the town, it is not surprising that he happened across the two sacrificial children from the town bearing tribute in the direction of the monolith. Their screams were loud but brief, and Judas flushed with power, then wretched with guilt and horror over what his lack of control had wrought. Realizing the truth of his heinous acts, he hid the bodies (and the chest of tribute they bore) in a shallow grave, and returned to the monolith to face Irlya’s wrath.
Irlya, however, seemed not at all concerned about his absence. She led him to a secret cave deep below the monolith, and there they slept through the first day of Judas’ unlife. When the sun set that evening, Irlya directed Judas to a small study chamber she had arranged for him to work in. Overjoyed at the scholastic accommodations, Judas rushed in to renew his work. He did so with such concentration, that he never even noticed when Irlya sealed him in the chamber where he toiled over his notes.
What Judas’ newly embraced eyes could see that his mortal eyes could not was the translation of the texts which the ancestral essence of his vampiric blood brought into deadly focus. The translations of the texts he could never read held even more secrets than his two years of study had shown him. The majority of the texts he had worked on apparently were the notes of two or three people, whose works were written with the intention of discovering how to break the “Bond of fealty” between a sire and a childe. The more Judas read, the more he began to understand what the last decade of his life had been consumed by, and he began to suspect the treachery that lay at his beloved’s heart.
It was about then that he noticed he was sealed within the chamber.
For two days, he howled and raged at the stone walls of his scholastic prison. Irlya did not return, but there were bats and rats plentiful enough to sustain Judas’ hunger to a point within his prison. On the third day, the stone was removed, and Irlya stood at the doorway, accompanied by a huge monstrosity of bone, muscle and sinew. Within the ribcage of the beast beside his sire, Judas could see the badly beaten remains of two beings, which the fiendish ghoul promptly vomited into the center of the chamber which had been Judas’ prison for days.
Irlya made introductions, to the only other kin of Caine he would meet for nearly the first century of his embrace, and to a blood sacrifice in the form of a young girl. The kindred was Vyliyos,
Irlya had arranged everything. Vyliyos’ tribute being lost, the two children being fed upon by Judas… She had not been weakened at the monolith, but rather compelled Judas through the bond they shared to a frenzying point, and pointed him in the direction of the tribute. When Vyliyos arrived the night following Judas’ embrace (while he howled and raved in the secret chambers far beneath the monolith) he found neither his tribute nor demanded sacrifices. Irlya left him a note detailing a revolt of the town’s rabble at the coercion of the gypsies she traveled with. The council had been disbanded (according to her missive) and the new regime had no intention of sending him tribute any longer. Irlya then detailed how she was going to attempt to overcome the leader of the gypsies to create a new wave of riots, and ensure that Vyliyos’ vengeance would meet no resistance. Pleased with his childe’s forethought, Vyliyos did not even gather the whole of his war band, but just took the loyal retainers who had accompanied him to take the tribute.
Vyliyos rode off into the blackness of the night with two dozen hardened warriors and a half dozen ghouled lieutenants determined to crush Byrcrizt to dust. In the meantime, Irlya, using the powers of her blood, transformed herself into a near perfect copy of Judas, and raised the alarm in the temple that Vyliyos was en route a day before his receipt of the traitorous note she had left at the monolith. Claiming a vision from the heavens, she convinced most of Judas’ congregation to arm themselves appropriately to combat Vyliyos’ war band, and lie in waiting to ambush the party before they even captured the town.
The bloodletting was short but furious. Armed with scythes and axes, stakes, casks of oil, and pots of coals, the hundred able-bodied men of Byrcrizt quickly dispatched all but Vyliyos and his last lieutenant. Cornered, and horseless, the Tzimiche warlord killed nearly a dozen men after his lieutenant fell to the mob, transforming into a beast of hideous visage and deadly efficacy. Through luck, a peasant boy named Lucius managed to drive a stake through Vyliyos’ heart. The beast fell silently to the ground, and the groans of the many he had wounded, and those who lay dying, rose like a twisted psalm in the newborn silence of the battle. Before the mob could destroy her sire’s torpored form, Irlya convinced the mob that she would attend to the beast in a private ceremony that would disperse the evil of its soul, and that they should carry back the injured to the synagogue to have their wounds tended to, and to purify the corpses of the fallen, to prevent the influx of evil spirits. Under the leadership of the newborn hero Lucius Sabbat, the crowd returned to the town, bearing dead and wounded with pride.
Irlya, still in the form of Judas, hastily used the remaining carnage to her advantage, rendering a huge ghoulish construct from the few remaining of Vyliyos’ troops who were not yet completely dead. Using its lumbering strength, she carried the staked body of her sire, along with the kidnapped girl she had stashed not too far from the monolith before leaving Judas trapped in the caverns beneath it.
Using the compulsion of the bond Irlya carried against her childe, she forced Judas to enact the rite his years of study had brought to light only recently. The smell of blood washed over the famished Judas as he prepared the symbols of power, and circles of containment. Irlya patiently watched over the proceedings, as she prepared the girl for her part in the ritual. When Judas had all the symbols in place, Irlya drained the girl to the verge of death, then took her place in a protective circle. Judas chanted the words which had probably not been spoken aloud for centuries, and a steady stream of blood began to trickle from Vyliyos’ prone body towards the circle Irlya stood in. When it could not penetrate the protective runes of her warding, it crept towards the form of the shallowly breathing girl, and slid up her skin, into her nose and gaping mouth. For several minutes, which seemed like an eternity to Judas, droning away in a language he barely understood, the blood flowed from Vyliyos to the girl. Finally the blood stopped, and the girl’s body twitched on the floor as the ancient vitae of the Tzimiche warlord danced through her veins.
Taking a bite out of her wrist like an apple, Irlya crossed the three strides from her circle to where the girl lay. Before the girl completely recovered her senses, Irlya thrust her wrist into the girls mouth, and had her fangs buried in the girl’s throat.
Judas could only stand there chanting. The compulsion of his mistress forced him to do so, but he was also being swept up in the energies of the rite. The tempo of his chanting became the pulse of the two women huddles in the runic circle before him, exchanging blood heartbeat by heartbeat. Slowly, over a period of almost an hour, Irlya reclaimed what remained of blood which her sire took from her when he embraced her. In the meantime, she fed the remains of her sires blood which sluggishly coursed through her veins to the girl, who suckled like a zombie at a teat of corruption.
With the rite nearly complete, Judas began to feel the drag of the long hours of study, the drain of the magical energies, and the Hunger of his new form pulling him down into a spiral of hallucination. He could almost see the chains of blood which bound Vyliyos to fading away link by link, along with the thick braided chain which tied him to her. Before slipping into a torpor of his own, Judas saw the last links of Irlya’s bond dissipate, and clearly saw the knife his mistress produced to finish the grizzly work of the evening.
When Judas awoke, it was to the bitter ambrosia of his mistresses blood coursing down his throat gulp after compulsive gulp. He looked up at her eyes as he fed on the sustaining vitae, and realized for the first time what she must have felt towards Vyliyos for all the years between her embrace and his death.
He was not afraid, but he knew no love for her now… loathing and calculation replaced what was once adoration and giddiness. Irlya seemed not to notice, deeply meditating on her own plans as her childe supped at her pulse. She had much to do yet, but Judas would not have a part to play in her story for many years to come.
The Invasions of Domitian, and the Flight to Jerusalem; Death of the Sire; A Boon is Owed (70 – 73 CE)
Jerusalem Lost! The Reconsolidation, and the use of the Necropolis (73 CE (“death” 89 CE) – Sleep 240 CE)
A Boon Repaid, The Repulsion of the Romans, the founding of a Bloodline, The Plan (250-270 CE)
The Sabbatius Rise, then Fall, then Rise Again (270-500)
The Re-Awakening, the Preparation of the Mantle, and the Discovery of the Herasy of Nod (500-Present)
Dontcha hate it when you feel helpless? I feel like nothin I’m doin these past few days has been the right thing, and that the sky is falling, and we’re going to war, and the flying monkeys will be here any minute…
Well, in reality, what it seems like is that a lot of shit has gone down relatively quickly, the sum of which I do not know. I feel lost, and a little worried about being lost. I’m stressed about work (both places) and hoping that things are gonna get better, but I feel like Wile Coyote holding an umbrella up to stop a boulder.
Yeah, enough paranoid ranting for now, must work.
http://www.israel.org/mfa/go.asp?MFAH0ie10
http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/jewish/jews-romanlaw.html
http://ccat.sas.upenn.edu/jod/texts/gibbon.excerpts.html
http://mortis.kicks-ass.net/darkages/main.html
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/NoxInfinitus/
http://www.angelfire.com/ok3/pearlsofwisdom/roman.html
THREE LITTLE BOPS
(Freleng-1957)
Remember the story of the 3 little pigs
One played a pipe and the other danced gigs
The 3 little pigs are still around
But are playing music with the modern sound
3 little pigs were in the groove
Everything was running smooth
The pigs were due for a big surprise
For the wolf appeared with red rimmed eyes
Oo you cool, oo you cool, oo you cool man cool
Well sho he was friendly he shook their hands
Announced he was joining up with the band
Instead of starting an argument
A 1 and a 2 and away they went
The 3 little pigs were really gassed
They’d never heard such a corny blast
We’ve played in the west
We’ve played in the east
We’ve heard the most, but you’re the least
Well the big bad wolf was really mad
He wanted to play music and wanted to play bad
They stopped me before I could go to town
so I’ll huff and puff and blow their house down
The house of straw was blown away
The pigs had to find another place to play
Dew Drop Inn the house of sticks
3 little pigs were giving out licks
Well the piano playing pig was swinging like a gate
Doing the Libarace on the 88
(I wish my brother George was here)
The 3 little pigs were having a ball
When the big bad wolf he entered the hall
The big bad wolf he sat right down
C’mon cats we’re going to town
From the crowd came an angry shout
Stop the music throw the square out
the Big Bad Wolf was really sore
If they’re going to get tough I’ll give them more
They don’t know talent in this here town
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and blow the place down
Dew Drop Inn did drop down
The 3 little pigs crawled out of the rubble
This big bad wolf gives us nothing but trouble
We won’t be bothered by his windy tricks
The next place we play must be made of bricks
Sturdy place this house of bricks
Built in 1776
High class place with the high class crowd
Sign on the door no wolves allowed
The wolf was sore and fit to be tied
He was sworn and determined to get inside
He huffed and puffed at the house of bricks
But the bricks are stronger than straw or sticks
He huffed and puffed and bleeped and blooped
And at 10:00 was completely pooped
When all of the sudden came a ray of hope
I could disguise myself, boy what a dope
Well the big bad wolf took it all in stride
He figured out the way to get inside
I’ll show those pigs that I’m not stuck
If I can’t blow it down I’ll blow it up
Well the big bad wolf was really gone
And with him went his corny horn
Went out of this world with out a trace
Didn’t go to heaven it was the other place
The big bad wolf he learned the rule
You’ve got to get hot to play real cool
I am nearly positive I got taken for 20$ today.
I was walking home from the train, and was stopped by a very pleasant black man with a train schedule, who looked like he wasn’t quite sure where he was going. I had my headphones on, but paused to talk to him, assuming he just needed directions. He proceeded to spin a tale of lost wallets, no way to get home (home apparently was way up in Poughkeepsie) and tales of his job as a chef for IBM. He even had a uniform, albiet it did not have his name on it, and it looked somewhat ill used. But hey, maybe thats what a chef would look like. I may call IBM anyway to find out.
He was a nice guy. He needed directions, and train fare.
Train fare, however, was like 16$, so I ended up giving him a 20.
I didn’t have to, I could have told him where the train was, and said I didn’t have the cash to help him out. I have been taken by a scam man with a similar story (about Brewster) once before, but I always seem to figure that if it were me on the other side of the street, could I depend on some random act of kindness to get me home.
I personally hope the guy wasn’t lying, although I assume he was. If he used my money to buy shit other than transportation, I hope he chokes or OD’s on it.
Karma is one of those things I truly hope influences life in more than a philisophical manner.
[15:59] hampton275: If a cow and a half and a calf and a half can eat a bale and a half of hay in a day and a half, how many waffles does it take to shingle a dog house?
AND ANOTHER…
[16:18] hampton275: If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
I checked the color values in Photoshop JIC….
Great party last night. Haven’t been to a bash that big in a long time. Ice shots are fun =)
D/lding VtM resources so I don’t have to work… god I hate CCMS.