The Dante’s Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers) Very Low
Level 1 – Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful) Extreme
Level 3 (Gluttonous) Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) Very High
Level 6 – The City of Dis (Heretics) Extreme
Level 7 (Violent) Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) Extreme
Level 9 – Cocytus (Treacherous) Extreme

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

EGO: “Self-Esteem where are you? Helloooo…It’s me the Ego, you know… the Self, I coordinate operations from the Frontal Lobes. Self-Esteem, we need you on board, or the entire enterprise shuts down. Self-Respect may be curled up in the fetal position in the subconscious, but Self-Respect didn’t just close down operations and disappear. Self-Respect says he’s on board if we can get you…Self Esteem…back on board. And I appreciate Self-Respect’s resilience, but hey, Self-Respect…easy on the Ben and Jerry’s. I mean, have some…er…of yourself…for crissakes.”

“Last night with Sally was difficult for all of us. But again everyone is blaming everyone. I’m not sure what happened to Penis. Penis is refusing to talk about the events of last night. I spoke to Libido, Libido says that Drive was there. I have confirmation from Endocrine System that Drive was indeed there. Sexual Prowess and Penis report that everything is in working order. Reason blames the beer goggles. Penis blames Libido, Libido blames Penis. The Limbic System weighed in and blames the Prozac. I’ve put a call into the Vascular System to find out what went wrong. Vascular System says he’ll get back to me as soon as our blood pressure is under control. Another thing we really need to talk about is the alcohol intake. Even Stomach is complaining. Reason says the level of intoxication may be to blame for Penis’s erectile dysfunction.”

PENIS: “Hey gimme a break…that was a first for me…It’s been a rough night. And Damn it, if I hadn’t taken such a beating from Right Hand all week, maybe I would have been up for it…so to speak.”

RIGHT HAND: “Representin’ Yo…”

EGO: “Shut up Right Hand!”

EGO: “Penis, I fully understand your dissatisfaction with Liver’s ability to metabolize the alcohol. I called Liver and asked him what was going on. Liver responded “Captain, the dilithium crystals are overheated, I’m just a Liver, not a Doctor.”…Ahem…Clearly Liver is still struggling to process the alcohol. Liver are you OK down there?

LIVER: “hic”

EGO: “OK…We’ll just have to be patient. And Stomach and Mouth you can help Liver out significantly. We all saw you do those Tequila shots while Concentration and Reason we’re preoccupied trying to sound smart talking about world events with that hot TV producer. What was her name again?”

MEMORY: “Anna…you dipshit!”

EGO: “Right.”

EGO: “Hey everyone. Listen up…Quiet please…Pride, Wit, Charm, quiet down. We’ve got to stop the blame game. It’s rumored that Self-Esteem was blaming Vanity just before vanishing into the subconscious. I spoke to Vanity, Vanity say he’s never been better. The white teeth, the Grecian Formula, the workouts, especially the sit-ups. Vanity is doing everything he can possibly do. And Mouth and Stomach, you guys could really help Vanity by eating less crap. Willpower says he’s at the breaking point, and that the potato chips are too irresistible. I think we’re all tired of the “you can’t have just one” excuse we keep hearing from Stomach and Mouth. Cut back on the chips OK. Damn, I mean between the beer and the chips, you’re not helping. You need to get back on track.”

ASS: “Hey Mouth and Stomach, try eating a fucking salad once in a while? I’m dying down here.”

EGO: “OK folks…big date tonight with Minerva. If we have to do this without Self-Esteem, then so be it. We had to do it once before, and if Pointer Finger had just checked to make sure our fly was zipped up I think we would have scored.”

LEFT HAND: “We’ll that’s what you get for relying on Right Hand all the time.”

RIGHT HAND: “Don’t be hatin’.”

EGO: “OK…let’s go out there tonight and charm her pants off. CHARM! Do you hear me?”

CHARM: “Anything you say sweetheart.”

From Many Imaginations, One Fearsome Creature

April 29, 2003
By DONALD G. McNEIL Jr.
From the NY Times

A huge scaly serpent, usually with the wings of a bat or
bird. Four or two or no legs. Breathes fire or poisonous
fumes. May talk, but won’t take guff from mere mortals. Sometimes has a vulnerable underbelly (good luck,
Siegfried!) and sometimes is solid armor plate. May guard a treasure. May diet on virgins, or anything that crosses its path, halitosis-barbecued.

Sound familiar? Of course. For everyone from Perseus of
Jaffa to Harry of Hogwarts, it’s a dragon.

Of all the hoary old monsters, dragons are the most
persistent, appearing everywhere from mall crystal shops to Disney movies. Cryptozoologists search for its cousins, the Loch Ness monster and the mokele-mbembe of the Congo swamps.

Dragon images have been found on the Ishtar Gate of
Babylon, on scrolls from China, in Egyptian hieroglyphs and Ethiopian sketches, on the prows of Viking ships, in bas relief on Aztec temples, on cliffs above the Mississippi River and even on bones carved by Inuits in climates where no reptile could live.

Now scholars drawing on primitive art, fossilized bones and ancient legends are struggling to explain how cultures that had no contact with one another constructed mythical creatures so remarkably similar. And why did dragons persist so long?

Claw-footed griffins, gentle unicorns and man-eating
sphinxes passed into legend relatively quickly, while even educated men clung to belief in dragons at least through 1734, wrote Peter J. Hogarth, author of “Dragons” (Viking, 1979). That year, the Swedish naturalist Linnaeus dismissed a seven-headed hydra on display in Hamburg by saying it was a clever fake concocted of animal parts. Its aggrieved owners, merchants who had bought it from Count von Leeuwenhaupt for the “staggering price of 10,000 florins,” drove Linnaeus out of town by threatening to sue, thus puffing a small dark cloud across the dawn of rationalism.

“The new zoology had lost a first skirmish with the old,”
Mr. Hogarth wrote. But, he concluded, it won every later
one.

As a dragon debunker, Linnaeus was unusual. Many earlier assertions that dragons existed came from scientists who speculated on how birds could mate with lizards or whom the monstrous skulls turned up in European caves and Chinese canal projects belonged to.

They include writers like the Roman naturalist Pliny; the Jesuit scholar Athanasius Kircher, who wrote “Underground World” in 1665; and Edward Lhwyd, keeper until 1709 of the Ashmolean Museum at Oxford, which is now a respected art museum but began life as a botanist’s curio cabinet.

In “An Instinct for Dragons” (Routledge, 2000), Dr. David
E. Jones, a professor of anthropology at the University of Central Florida in Orlando, posits a biological explanation that jibes with the Jungian notion of unconscious collective fears. He argues that the dragon image, fermented in the primal soup of man’s first nightmares, is a composite of the carnivores who fed on human ancestors when they were tree-dwelling monkeys: the pythons, the big cats and the raptors.

Professor Jones was struck by the idea, he said, while
reading about the three-alarm calls of the vervet monkey.
The first, for leopards, makes them leap for the treetops.
The second, for eagles, makes them duck to low branches,
and the third, for snakes, makes them jump.

Obviously, there is quite an evolutionary gap between
vervet monkeys and the Sumerians of 5000 B.C., the first
people known to have drawn dragons. But Dr. Jones argues
that the same elemental fears persist in humans as snake
and bird phobias, and he cites as evidence the fact that
infant chimpanzees who have never seen snakes are terrified
of them.

His theory cannot really be tested, he acknowledged in an interview. Still, he said, for millions of years, “primate brain selectivity was for sensitivity to predators.”

Until relatively recently, the question that scholars had
asked was not, “Are dragons real?” but rather, “Why don’t
we see them anymore?”

Pliny, ignoring Greek and Roman mythology, held that
“dracos” did exist, but just in faraway India, where he reported that they were large enough to prey on elephants by dropping out of trees and strangling them. Modern naturalists assume that he heard reports of pythons, which not only grew bigger in retelling, but also turned into fish stories. Some dragons, Pliny wrote, had such large crests on their heads they could sail to Arabia to hunt.

Pliny’s descriptions – treated as factual – persisted for centuries, turning up in 1608 in an English translation of a German naturalist’s work. That just strengthened belief in subsequent legendary dragons, Beowulf’s Grendel; Fafner, whose belly was slit by Siegfried; and the Midgard serpent that Thor struck with his hammer. As late as 1420, a battle between Sir John Lambton and the milelong Lambton Wyrm (old English for snake) was reported as fact, and flocks were reported at London fires.

Throughout the Middle Ages, the devout assumed that dragons existed; the Bible said so. The 300-eyed steam-spewing Jordan-swallowing Leviathan in the Book of Job is a dragon, and so, according to early translations and many medieval paintings, is the creature that tempted Eve. After all, it would be hard for a mere snake to offer an apple while whispering sweet temptations.

The ancients often cited “physical evidence,” for which
modern scholars offer new explanations.

In 58 B.C., Pliny reported, the “spine of the sea serpent killed by Perseus at Joppa” (modern-day Jaffa) was displayed in Rome. Karl Shuker, author of “Dragons, A Natural History” (Simon & Schuster, 1995), surmises that the monster Cetus, swimming up to eat Andromeda, might have grown out of rare sightings of oarfish, a snakelike fish up to 30 feet long with a coral red head crest. Other scholars theorize that the skeleton might have been one of the sperm whales that once commonly beached near Jaffa. A half-rotted whale, with its jawbones and vestigial leg bones exposed, would look rather dragonlike, they say.

Before Linnaeus played spoilsport, stuffed monsters were routinely exhibited at fairs. An Italian mathematician reported seeing “dragon babies” in Paris in 1557. They may have been snakes with bat wings sewn on.

(Centuries later, P. T. Barnum sewed a dried fish tail to a dried monkey torso and told Americans that it was a
mermaid.)

But there is another obvious source for the dragon myth:
the bones of dinosaurs and extinct mammals. Bones exposed
by storms, earthquakes or digging were well known to the ancients, said Dr. Adrienne Mayor, a professor of folklore at Princeton and the author of “The First Fossil Hunters” (Princeton, 2000). She argues that the myth of gold-guarding griffins arose in the red clay of the Gobi Desert, a landscape literally scattered with white Protoceratops skulls, with parrot beaks and bony neck frills.

Othenio Abel, an Austrian paleontologist, speculated as
early as 1914 that the central nasal holes in skulls of prehistoric dwarf elephants were the source for Homer’s Cyclops. Abel added that the skulls of cave bears – ursus spelaeus, half again as big as grizzlies – could have given rise to tales of dragons.

Medieval Europe is “full of stories of knights fighting
dragons in caves,” Dr. Mayor said.

Some extinct mammals have startlingly dragonlike skulls,
and Asian dragon myths may be based on Pleistocene and Cretaceous fossils, which were at one time universally known as “dragon bones,” Dr. Mayor added.

Sivatherium giganteum, a huge proto-giraffe, has a pointed three-foot-long skull, and another, Giraffokeryx, has four swept-back horns.

Mount Pilatus in Switzerland abounds in pterodactyl
fossils, and with stories of fights between men and
dragonets – small, scrawny winged dragons.

The head of a dragon sculptured in 1590 by Ulrich Vogelsang
for the city of Klagenfurt, Austria, was modeled on a
“dragon skull” found by quarrymen in 1335. It is now known
to be that of an Ice Age woolly rhinoceros.

Paleontologists can even account for the legend that
dragons have jewels in their foreheads. Big calcite
crystals form on long-buried skulls.

So, having found the bones of dragons, Enlightenment
thinkers were at pains to explain them.

For medieval Christian thinkers, the explanation was
simple: God had formed them whole, but let them be wiped
out in Noah’s flood.

But for pre-Darwinians who realized that many creatures too
big to be overlooked were nowhere in the story of Creation
and who were gleaning some inkling that species begat other species, it was trickier.

Dragons were clearly a hybrid, part snake, part bird and
part bat. In the 17th century, they were explained by the
newly popular “spermatick principle,” which held that semen formed creatures and that the egg was a mere food source. Sometimes, scholars surmised, sperm from different species could mix and make a monster.

Mr. Lhwyd of the Oxford museum argued that semen from fish
and snakes could rise high into the air with evaporation,
rain down again and end up in the high aeries of eagles and vultures. In a lucky process called “fermentational putrefaction,” the mix could produce a winged snake.

Of course, there are living reptiles that could have
inspired dragon myths. Ten-foot carnivorous lizards prowl Komodo island in Indonesia, But Western explorers did not discover them until 1912, and there is no evidence they were known to the ancients.

Marco Polo’s “factual” descriptions of Chinese dragons more
or less match the large crocodiles once found there. Nile crocodiles, which can grow 22 feet long, still prey on rural Africans while their overseas relatives eat two or three Americans and Australians a year.

But David Quammen, an independent scholar writing a book
about the relationship between indigenous peoples and their predators, points out that although draconian crocodiles appear in the mythology of Australian aborigines, dragons are just as common in the myths of Vikings, who might have been eaten by bears, but never by crocs. And dragon lore is rare in Africa, where crocs are common, but predator myths revolve more around lions and hyenas.

I will explain more tomorrow (if work does not kick my ass)

Added pics from this weekend’s party (props to Bill and Joe for being kickass hosts once more). The pictures can be found here if my dns is still down, or here, if it is up.

1. The 41st president of the United States. The 43rd President of
the United States.

2. Viennese musician (1804-49) famous for writing waltzes.
Viennese musician (1825-99) famous for writing waltzes.

3. The Virgin Mary. American singer and actress, born 1958.

4. English colonist in America whose life was supposedly saved by
Pocahontas. Leader of the British Labour Party from 1992 to 1994.

5. Hero of 1749 novel by Henry Fielding. Welsh singer described as
“sweat personified”.

6. US film actor who starred in “Destry Rides Again” and
“Shenandoah”. The real name of actor Stewart Granger.

7. 19th-century explorer who translated “The Arabian Nights”.
Welsh actor who starred in the 1959 film “Look Back in Anger”.

8. Film composer who wrote music for “Jaws” and “Star Wars”.
Australian guitarist, resident in Britain.

9. A courtier of Elizabeth I who led an expedition in search of
El Dorado. The first professor of English Literature at Oxford
University.

10. Personification or spirit of the sea. A member of the US pop
group The Monkees.

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the
following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I don’t get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

~~~

Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments
you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative; you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags. Sincerely,
-The Management

1. Joseph Heller made his name with which anti-war satire in
1961?

2. Who wrote the 1890s novel “The War of the Worlds”?

3. Which Russian author wrote the 1860s novel “War and Peace”?

4. Stephen Crane’s second novel, published in 1895, was set
during the American Civil War. What was its title?

5. Which poet wrote about the First World War: “My subject is War,
and the pity of War”?

6. What is the English title of the famous 1929 novel about the
First World War written by Erich Maria Remarque?

7. Which science-fiction author wrote “The Martian Chronicles”,
about two American families beginning life again after earth
has been destroyed in a nuclear war?

8. Which American author wrote the 1948 novel “The Naked and
the Dead”?

9. Which British writer and feminist wrote “Testament of Youth”
about her experiences as a nurse in the First World War?

10. Which First World War poet wrote “The War is being
deliberately prolonged by those who have the power to end it”?

Overall, I have very mixed feelings about it…

Sweet crap a lot has gone down today since I started this post… I opened semagic at 9:17… and I am just starting to write more than the topic and first line at 1:24. Nothing like bitchy clients who know the right email addresses to cc a letter to to motivate one… Ugh, there are definitely days I hate my job.

And a phonecall… heh, this post will never be done.

Anyhow, to my mixed feelings on Zelda. I was intially disappointed by the cel-graphics. However, after playing for about a half hour, my disappointment faded, leaving me enjoying the color, the attention to facial detail on the boy-hero, and the muscial score (which is repetitive, yet beautifully orchestrated). The play control was one of the things which irritated me… it was a “lock on” combat system, with a very elementary set of combat tactics. While the focus of the game is not necisarily beating things up, you sure spent plenty of time doing it, and I like versatility over siple repetition.

Furthermore, ther eis no jump button! I mean, really, in a game where you do an enormous amount of jumping, and a limited amount of crawling… would it not have made much more sense to make crawling a down jump combo? The few times I was truly frustrated with the game almost exclusively had to deal with the shabby play control concerning jumps. To jump, you just ran off soemthing. As long as it was elevated slightly, you did a little hop before landing somewhere. Pretty lame IMO.

Now, to the good stuff. Like Metrpid Prime, the game was very true to both its roots, and the series which sprung from those roots. While I admit that Windwaker has some pretty big holes in the plot, which were covered as minimally as possible, it still does a good job of sticking to the genre. The monsters are brilliant 3d renderings of what were once 2d bixelbeasts. The inventory, equipment, money, and even the little heart peices had me remeniscing while i was playing of the days gone by withthe golden cart. Perhaps that is not such a good thing, now that I think of it – to have a game be enjoyable because of nostalgia.

Anyhow, I do not feel it was a waste of time or money. I had fun playing it, despite its shortcomings. My overall verdict is that if they had gone with a game like what they promoed at E3 3 years ago (and somehting similar to the capabilities they showed in super smash brothers) I would be absolutely raving about this game. As it is, I see it as a lukewarm trip down memory lane, in an enjoyable new environment.Worth the price of admission, but not soemthing worth losing sleep over.

I need to find a new pursuit to take up my console time now. I am definitely fading fast on EQ. I want Star Wars Galaxies to come out so I can can my EQ account for good. Maybe I should switch over to Shadowbane in the meantime… I’ve heard good things!

Bleh, enough for now… must go seek sustenance.

Some of you may be wondering why I have not been innundating my LJ with endless amounts of comics lately. The reason is that I have been working on my Bloom County Archive. I am getting these from my ucomics account, but I will continue to add to the archive until I have them all… I have about 80someting strips so far. Sunday strips will have to be put into context once they start publishing them.

The blood sat dark on the prismatic rings of the CD. Turning it slowly on its axis as it sat nestled in the overturned spider of his hand, Nathaniel caused the small pool of droplets to slide down the angle of the disk, aborting its journey in a cruel parody of a child’s “c” in splattered paint. The blood finally stopped running when it ran out of substance enough to provide it with a resistance to gravity.

Sighing in discontent, he wobbled the disk back and forth, playing the flickering light along the miniscule streams of data that created the play of light on silvery threads of data, wrapped tightly into a wafer just thicker than paper. He imagined the intensity of the reflection would be much greater, were it not for the damp rune in blood, and poor lighting.

No longer amused by physics and blood, Nathaniel let the disk clatter to his worktable.

Yawning and stretching, he winced as he heard the pops of his neck and vertebrae while he removed himself from the edge of the stool he was perched upon.

Abandoning the stool in a short hop, Nathaniel ambled over to the crude workstation, buried in paper, rolls of parchment, and pots of long-dried ink. Flicking on the monitor with near contempt, he sat in the large rust-leather chair before the console, and tightened the bandage on his wrist before positioning his hands above the keyboard.

It took several minutes for the system to go through its starting rituals. It had been many years since Nathaniel decided to look into the world of computers. His current model still served faithfully, despite the fact that it was no doubt as obsolete as the papyrus and quill pens which choked the screen before him. Amused as the machine mindlessly counted over inane numbers, Nathaniel was struck by the image of an old butler serving an older master.

Perhaps the next in kin of the serving family would have to be sought out soon.

The system bleeped obscenely in the still air of his sanctum, and Nathaniel systematically clicked his way through several layers of security and encryption.

“So like the locks on books of old, yet so different…”

The potential soliloquy was cut short by another sigh, and several more beeps, accentuated this time by the phantasmal green glow of his blinking cursor in the upper left hand corner of the screen. Pausing a moment to crack the knuckles of his spindly digits, Nathaniel immediately thereafter began clicking away at the keyboard, creating a sound not unlike the rustling of the shell-pieces in a low tide going out to sea. Nathaniel’s thoughts were at once lost in the rhythm of that sound, as well as the wealth of moonlit glimmers its birth heralded.

The code mounted in length and complexity in a short amount of time. It started as a few small files, opened and closed sequentially. Before long was a tangle of overlapping windows, with interexchanged bits of data and comments, all organized in a hierarchy of alphabetization which owed its due to a civilization long since passed beneath the waves. The rhythm of the once incessant typing was now slowed to a great amount of staccato repetition as Nathaniel clicked his way from pane to pane of his work, reading more than typing. His even nasal breathing was interrupted only by limited runs of the keyboard at its previous speed, when his mind caught a problem, or something which needed further attention. All else in the sanctum was quiet, save for the hum and whirr of the hidden fans and things nestled in the womb of Nathaniel’s ancient console.

A single leaflet from the pile lounging upon the monitor, either motivated by the heat emanating from the now thrumming machine, or the slight whiffs of breath which occasionally escaped from the rear of the grey box in the midst of the pile, threatened to escape from its comrades and take its chances at freedom in the open air. Snorting at the disruption, Nathaniel’s hands left the keyboard for the first tine in nearly three quarters of an hour, to steady the pile, and shift the dried pot of ink which was leaning against it.

The pause in his work was the removal of the keystone in the arch of Nathaniel’s creativity. Inspiration flew away on dark wings into the young night, leaving him frustrated, and unable to complete the web of code he left half stretched between the pillars of his present and his desired future.

Nathaniel frowned, and flicked of the monitor with greater contempt than he had activated it with.

He imagined it would be some time before he was so inspired again.

Drawing his hand back from the fingerprint-graffiti at the corner of the monitor where its power switch sat, the bandage crudely tied around Nathaniel’s wrist slipped free. Like its cousin, the paper, Nathaniel’s bandage sought freedom in the open air, and actually managed to become half unfurled – its wing of gauze and rusty blood flakes smelling the flavor of floating away. However, its flight was abruptly ended when Nathaniel caught the strip of gauze between two of his fingers, flicked it into the palm of his hand, crumpled it into a small ball of rough feel and coppery scent, and balled it into the pocket of his oversized shirt.

Grunting with discontent, he stood up, stiffly, swiveled his chair back beneath the desk with one hand, and set to look for his hat. Once he found it, he was out the door scarcely before it found its way to his head.

He did not bother to lock the door as he exited his flat, but crooned an odd note before removing his hand from the latch.

Confident in the security of his sanctum, Nathaniel walked into the chill air of the Harlem night, and, looking skyward, set out on foot after the winged trail of his dispersed inspiration.

1. In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.

2. There can be no whitewash at the White House.

3. It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there
when it happens.

4. Methought I heard a voice cry “Sleep no more”.

5. Rock journalism is people who can’t write interviewing people
who can’t talk for people who can’t read.

6. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old
Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night.

7. A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of
it is absolutely fatal.

8. An Englishman is content to say nothing, when he has nothing
to say.

9. My subject is War, and the pity of War. The Poetry is in the
pity.

10. Football…is not really played for the pleasure of kicking
a ball about, but is a species of fighting.

Who said ’em?

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she
had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

If you said yes, you just eliminated Beethoven from the mix.

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote
counts.

Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.

Candidate A –

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists.
He’s had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10
martinis
a day.

Candidate B –
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium
in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C –
He is a decorated war hero. He’s a vegetarian, doesn’t smoke,
drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more
than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2
businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

It’s the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same
group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.

I’ve been on the net for a long time. Technically before www was born. I never saw this before, but it has been around for a while. Every now and then it seems that a nugget can be dug up online.

In order to better serve your needs, please answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you will need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct repsonse to comments or suggestions.

How did you find out about your god?

  • Newspaper
  • New Testament
  • Torah
  • Book of Mormon
  • Koran
  • Other Book
  • Television
  • Divine inspiration
  • Word of Mouth
  • Dead Sea Scrolls
  • Internet Banner Ad
  • Near-death experience
  • Near-life experience
  • My momma done told me
  • Tabloid
  • Burning Shrubbery
  • Who?
  • Other ____________

After examining the media listed above, which model did you decide to invest your faith in?

  • God of Israel
  • Allah
  • Krishna
  • Buddah
  • Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pack)
  • Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pack)
  • Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pack)
  • Gia/Mother Earth
  • Great Old Ones
  • None; Taken by a false god
  • Other ____________

Did your god come to you undamaged, with all parts in working order?

  • Yes
  • No

If no, please specify problem below:

  • Not eternal
  • Not Omniscent
  • Not Omnipotent
  • Permist sex outside marriage
  • Prohibits sex outside of marriage
  • Not infalliable (2 bush presidents, Geraldo Rivera, Martha Stewart)
  • When beseeched, doesn’t stay beseeched
  • Requires burnt offerings
  • Requires virgin sacrifices>
  • Plays dice with the universe
  • Requires restrictive diet and funny clothing/headgear/body alteration

What factors were relevant in your decision to aquire a god? Choose all that apply:

  • Indoctrinated by parents
  • Needed reason to live
  • Indoctrinated by local culture/peers
  • Need target for rage/complaints
  • Imaginary freind grew up
  • Hate to think for self
  • Wanted to meet girls/boys
  • Wanted to invest life serveng a god, to meet boys
  • Fear of death/lack of afterlife
  • To tick of parents
  • Needed 1 day off a week
  • Enjoy organ music
  • Needed to feel morally superior
  • Needed focus on whom to despise.
  • Needed to fill the void after i found out truth about Tooth Fairy
  • Shrubbery caught on fire and forced conversion

Are you currently using any other source of temptation in addition to your god? Choose all that apply:

  • Self-help literature/film
  • Tarot or Astrology
  • Star Trek reruns (or one of the “new series”)
  • fortune cookies
  • Dear Abby
  • Psychic Freinds
  • Dianetics
  • Playboy and/or Playgirl
  • Sex, Drugs, and /or Rock and Roll
  • Biorhythms
  • EST
  • Television
  • Mantras
  • Jimmy Swaggart
  • Crystals (not including drug item above)
  • Human Sacrifice
  • Wandering in desert without food or water
  • Burning Shrubbery
  • Other ___________

Have you worshipped any false gods before? If yes, please specify which:

  • Baal
  • Mick Jagger
  • Beelzebub
  • $
  • Bill Gates
  • The Great Pumpkin
  • Ronald Regan
  • A burning cabbage (cabbages are vegtables, not shrubberies)
  • Mushrooms
  • The Golden Arches
  • The Conservative Right
  • The Lotto
  • A Major Automobile Manufacturer
  • Other _________

You god should employ a certain level of Divine Intervention to preserve the balace between “felt presence” and “blind faith”. What is your preferred level of interaction?

  • More DI
  • Less DI
  • Current Levels Acceptable
  • Don’t Know – What is DI?
  • Other _________

Your god should also attempt to maintain a balance between disaster and miracle…please rate your god’s handling of the flollowing (note disasters and miracles may be inercahngeable between some faiths):

  • _____ Flood
  • _____ Famine
  • _____ Earthquakes
  • _____ War
  • _____ Pestilience
  • _____ Plague
  • _____ AOL
  • _____ Jerry Lewis
  • _____ Dubya
  • _____ Barbara Streisand
  • _____ Your last relationship
  • _____ A Republican Congress
  • _____ Spontaneous Remissions
  • _____ Crying statues
  • _____ Hiking on Liquids
  • _____ Stationary stars/planets/celestial bodies
  • _____ Self-programming/timesetting VCR’s
  • _____ Clear and competent presidential addresses
  • _____ Changing water to wine
  • _____ Balancing the budget with deficit financing
  • _____ Your Current relationship
  • _____ Long strands of interthreaded reincarnation
  • _____ Ending world hunger/suffering

Rate the following on a scale of 1-5
Your god’s:

  • _____ Courtesy
  • _____ Promptness in responding to prayers
  • _____ Ability to meet 48 hour prayer resolution goal
  • _____ Ability to meet your spiritual needs
  • _____ Ability to establish a firm message to faithful without dogmatic docterine or obscure languages
  • _____ Ability to manifest without casuing irriverseable harm to believers or nearby shrubbery

Any additional comments may be written on the back of this form, or submitted in a letter along with this survey. Please note at this time, it is impossible to list a mailing address for you to send this survey to, as the varied PR firms of the different pantheonic presences are rather diverse in thier physical locations, and we have no way of knowing what, if any god you believe in. Therefore, we could not possibly before hand tell you where to send it.

Your best bet is to answer this questionairre in full, then refer it to either your local divine intermediary, or, in the case of an intermediary not being available, pray for guidance as to where the form should be sent.

When you find out, we’ll be sure to send you back a notice of receipt.

Thank you,
-The Management

The Toilet
Yes…those tales you’ve heard are true. The toilet was first patented in England in 1775, invented by one Thomas Crapper, but the extraordinary automatic device called the flush toilet has been around for a long time. Leonardo Da Vinci in the 1400’s designed one that worked, at least on paper, and Queen Elizabeth I reputably had one in her palace in Richmond in 1556, complete with flushing and overflow pipes, a bowl valve and a drain trap. In all versions, ancient and modern, the working principle is the same.

Tripping a single lever (the handle) sets in motion a series of actions. The trip handle lifts the seal, usually a rubber flapper, allowing water to flow into the bowl. When the tank is nearly empty, the flap falls back in place over the water outlet. A floating ball falls with the water level, opening the water supply inlet valve just as the outlet is being closed. Water flows through the bowl refill tube into the overflow pipe to replenish the trap sealing water. As the water level in the tank nears the top of the overflow pipe, the float closes the inlet valve, completing the cycle.

From the oldest of gadgets in the bathroom, let’s turn to one of the newest, the toothpaste pump. Sick and tired of toothpaste squeezed all over your sink and faucets? Does your spouse never ever roll down the tube and continually squeezes it in the middle? Then the toothpaste pump is for you!

When you press the button it pushes an internal, grooved rod down the tube. Near the bottom of the rod is a piston, supported by little metal flanges called “dogs”, which seat themselves in the grooves on the rod. As the rod moves down, the dogs slide out of the groove they’re in and click into the one above it. When you release the button, the spring brings the rod back up carrying the piston with it, now seated one notch higher. This pushes one-notch’s-worth of toothpaste out of the nozzle. A measured amount of toothpaste every time and no more goo on the sink.

Refrigerators
Over 90 percent of all North American homes with electricity have refrigerators. It seems to be the one appliance that North Americans can just not do without. The machine’s popularity as a food preserver is a relatively recent phenomenon, considering that the principles were known as early as 1748. A liquid absorbs heat from its surroundings when it evaporates into a gas; a gas releases heat when it condenses into a liquid.

The heart of a refrigerator cooling system is the compressor, which squeezes refrigerant gas (usually freon) and pumps it to the condenser, where it becomes a liquid, giving up heat in the process. The condenser fan helps cool it. The refrigerant is then forced through a thin tube, or capillary tube, and as it escapes this restraint and is sucked back into a gas again, absorbing some heat from the food storage compartment while it does so. The evaporator fan distributes the chilled air.

In a self-defrosting refrigerator/freezer model, moisture condenses into frost on the cold evaporator coils. The frost melts and drains away when the coils are warmed during the defrost cycle which is initiated by a timer, and ended by the defrost limiter, before the frozen food melts. A small heater prevents condensation between the compartments, the freezer thermostat turns the compressor on and off, and the temp control limits cold air entering the fridge, by means of an adjustable baffle.

Smoke Detectors
Is your smoke detector good at scaring to death spiders who carelessly tiptoe inside it? Have you ever leapt out of the shower, clad only in you-know-what, to the piercing tones of your alarm, triggered merely by your forgetting the close the bathroom door? Is it supposed to do this?

There are two types of smoke detectors on the market; the photoelectric smoke detector and ionization chamber smoke detector. The photoelectric type uses a photoelectric bulb that shines a beam of light through a plastic maze, called a catacomb. The light is deflected to the other end of the maze where it hits a photoelectric cell. Any smoke impinging on this light triggers the alarm (as do spiders and water droplets in the air!). The ionization chamber type contains a small radiation source, usually a man-made element called Americium. The element produces electrically-charged air molecules called ions, and their presence allows a small electric current to flow in the chamber. When smoke particles enter the chamber they attach themselves to these ions, reducing the flow of current and triggering the alarm. Both types are considered equally effective and may be battery-powered or wired to the home’s electrical system.

Ball-point pen
Ever wonder why it’s called a ball-point? Because it has a ball. The first European patents for the handy device were issued in the late 19th century, but none of the early pens worked very well until a Swiss inventor named Lazio Josef Biro designed the first modern version in 1939. He called it a birome. Commercial production was delayed by World War II, and then in 1945, an American firm, Reynold’s, introduced “the miraculous pen which revolutionizes writing” at Gimbel’s in New York City. The new pen didn’t work very well and cost a whopping $12.50 U.S., but it was an instant success. The Henry Ford of the ball-point industry, Marcel Bich, launched the Bic pen in 1949, after developing the Biro design for two years to produce a precision instrument which wrote evenly and reliably and was cheap. By the early seventies, Bic pens became the world’s largest manufacturer of ball-point pens, and today some two and one-half million Bic ball-points alone are sold every day in North America.

Ink feeds by gravity through five veins in a nose cone, usually made of brass, to a tungsten carbide ball. During the writing process, the ball rotates, picking up a continuous ink supply through the nose cone and transferring it to the writing paper. The ball is a perfect sphere, which must fit precisely into the extremely smooth nose cone socket so that it will rotate freely yet be held tightly in place so that there is an even ink flow. Although it sounds deceptively simple, perhaps the most amazing thing about ball-point pens is the ink. Why doesn’t it just run out the end? Why doesn’t it dry up in the plastic cartridge? Bic describes the ink as “exclusive, fast-drying, yet free flowing”. The formula is, of course, secret.

Stuffing:
1 package stuffing mix
2 cups bread crumbs
1 pound country sausage, browned and drained
1/2 cup raisins
1 cup of apple pie filling, cut into small pieces
1 tablespoon sage, add more according to taste
1 tablespoon poultry seasoning, add more according to taste
2 cups of chicken broth
1 (10 1/2-ounce) can cream of mushroom soup
Salt and pepper, to taste

Mix the stuffing and the bread crumbs in a large bowl. Add sausage, raisins, and apple pie filling. Mix well. Add seasonings. Pour in half of the chicken broth and the cream of mushroom soup and stir well. Add the remaining broth until you get the moisture consistency desired.

Stuffed pork shoulder:
1 pork shoulder, 4 to 5 pounds, deboned and cut butterfly-style
Oil and flour for roasting pan
1 tablespoon olive oil
Salt and pepper, to taste
1 tablespoon crushed, dried rosemary
Sage, to taste
Cotton twine

Lay the shoulder flat. Spoon the stuffing mixture onto the center and spread to within 1/2-inch of sides. Roll the roast from the shortest end. Using several lengths of cotton twine, tie the roast securely and knot the string.

Place the rolled roast in a roasting pan coated with oil and flour. Rub the meat with the olive oil. Sprinkle with salt and pepper, rosemary and sage. Cover, and bake in a preheated 350 degree oven until meat thermometer reaches 170 degrees, about 1 hour 45 minutes. Remove cover, and allow the roast to brown slightly. Allow roast to cool slightly before slicing.

The recipes for this program, which were provided by contributors and guests who may not be professional chefs, have not been tested in the Food Network’s kitchens. Therefore, the Food Network cannot attest to the accuracy of any of the recipes.

Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 1 hour 45 minutes

Sponsored by:

So, I got the Zelda bug. I played too much last night. I am off the fence. The cel graphics work great, the game is awesome.

Looking forward to Soulcaliber 2 very much. They are going to have a different character for each system. Link for Gamecube, Spawn (a la McFarlaine) for Xbox, and some Tekken guy for PS2. While I think Link would be neat, I’d much prefer to have it for my Xbox, where the FPS is going to be better, and the resolution clearer.

It is snowing outside! People thought it was springtime… APRIL FOOLS!

Anyhow, to the point of this mindless ramble:

My commute in was eventful this morning, in a limited way. The train was 6 cars rather than the usual 9, so things were a bit packed. I generally stand, regardless of available seats, so it is easier for me to exit. I don’t negotiate small people crammed into seats very well.

Anyhow, Crammed into one of the door alcoves was about 10 people. Two of them got on with me in Mount Vernon, and apparently knew each other from one walk of life or another. They spoke briefly of the ball game last night, and the flu/being sick/allergies. Then, the gent next to me asked what the other thought about “what was goin on over there”.

Now, I probably would not have noticed this conversation so much, playing my game boy and all, if they didn’t keep leaning back and forth to each other to half-whisper in audible ranges. As it was, the guy next to me asked about 4 times before his conversation partner heard and comprehended what he was being asked.

Now the fun part begins.

Turns out that the guy next to me was a preacher. Not certain on faith, but it was christian, and fairly whacko.

Basically, the preacher went on for about 10 minutes creating allegorical connections between the book of Revelation, and the current situation in Iraq. He said it was a spiritual war being fought on the physical plane. He explained how Saddam’s statues were idolatry. How the world was failing because there was no prayer in school, and gambling is legal. He made it clear that the US was a false kingdom, bent on destroying a smaller false kingdom. Supposedly, both the US being a false kingdom, and the fact that Iraq is where Babylon once stood was enough evidence for him to be convinced. His poetic after touch was “To an unbeliever, this is all nonsense, but to us who “know” we “know”.

The whole while he was going on about this, his partner was nodding and uhhumming… he probably would have been amening if there were more than one of him.

The preacher then went into allusions based on Daniel’s mentioning of the Euphrates in Revelations 16:41. He explained how the number of allies we have (supposedly 14 by his reckoning) is important, because it is the inverse of the 41 mentioned somewhere else in Revelation.

Circumspect divination, based on ancient text, even if presented as fact, is almost tolerable to me… but when people start preaching biblical numerology, I get riled.

Without introducing myself, or much of a segue, I rambled right in on his preacher-rhythm when he paused for a breath. I asked him if he believed that only 144 thousand people would be saved.

He got a dangerous gleam as his audience breathed deeply, unsure what to make of my question. He told me he did believe, for that is what was written in the bible.

I asked him if he believed he was a member of one of the tribes of Israel, for they were specifically the ones mentioned in that passage.

He started to ignore me, and go back to his preachee.

I further asked him how if 144,000 was significant because the number was written just so in the bible, how 14 could be significant as an inverse of 41. Were the numeric codes of Daniel arbitrary, or was there some sort of decoder ring they give out in bible studies.

Now, I realize the last one was kind of low, but it got the reaction I wanted.

He started in on me as a blasphemer, as one who “uses the words of the Lords for the agenda of the serpent”… before he could get too much of a head of steam on, I raised my voice to match his (there were several people staring at this point) and asked him why I was the blasphemer, if I was quoting scripture verbatim, and he was omitting parts that didn’t fit his pitch.

He made a face like a cod with mud in its gills. He opened his mouth wide, as if to shout, then snapped it shut hard. His lips flapped like a wet sheet snapping on the line.

He leaned forward, almost to the ear of his compatriot, and whispered fiercely (though quietly, to the point that I assume he thought I didn’t here him) “We will have to discuss this further when the devil is not about.”

I laughed, told him that I was not a devil, and he was a lousy preacher, if he couldn’t answer my questions, and told him that I hope he didn’t take my debunking of his “good word” as a sign that it was true… for only the devil would want to usurp the truth revealed to him.

He did not seem pleased that I heard what he whispered, his compatriot looked at me dangerously… I was prepared to get socked in the face by either of them any moment.

Instead, the conductor came in the car, and cleared right through the alcove, splitting preacher man and I up as he went on searching for tickets.

The conductor stood there until 125, where I got off.

I have a feeling this is not the last time I am going to see preacher man, or his flock. I think next time perhaps I should introduce myself a bit more cordially before chiming in on his prothesilazation.

He may have heard the news, but I have read the word. And they are just so; words. They teach lessons, they inspire, they can be used for good or evil (as he was so happy to point out)… but ONLY if you believe in them.

Otherwise, Sleeping Beauty’s kingdom, awaiting her reawakening, and the chosen of the Lord, awaiting his second coming are on equal footing in the “believability zone”.

It scares me how many people would rather sell their fleece and listen to the shepherd than face the possibility of wolves.