EGO: “Self-Esteem where are you? Helloooo…It’s me the Ego, you know… the Self, I coordinate operations from the Frontal Lobes. Self-Esteem, we need you on board, or the entire enterprise shuts down. Self-Respect may be curled up in the fetal position in the subconscious, but Self-Respect didn’t just close down operations and disappear. Self-Respect says he’s on board if we can get you…Self Esteem…back on board. And I appreciate Self-Respect’s resilience, but hey, Self-Respect…easy on the Ben and Jerry’s. I mean, have some…er…of yourself…for crissakes.”
“Last night with Sally was difficult for all of us. But again everyone is blaming everyone. I’m not sure what happened to Penis. Penis is refusing to talk about the events of last night. I spoke to Libido, Libido says that Drive was there. I have confirmation from Endocrine System that Drive was indeed there. Sexual Prowess and Penis report that everything is in working order. Reason blames the beer goggles. Penis blames Libido, Libido blames Penis. The Limbic System weighed in and blames the Prozac. I’ve put a call into the Vascular System to find out what went wrong. Vascular System says he’ll get back to me as soon as our blood pressure is under control. Another thing we really need to talk about is the alcohol intake. Even Stomach is complaining. Reason says the level of intoxication may be to blame for Penis’s erectile dysfunction.”
PENIS: “Hey gimme a break…that was a first for me…It’s been a rough night. And Damn it, if I hadn’t taken such a beating from Right Hand all week, maybe I would have been up for it…so to speak.”
RIGHT HAND: “Representin’ Yo…”
EGO: “Shut up Right Hand!”
EGO: “Penis, I fully understand your dissatisfaction with Liver’s ability to metabolize the alcohol. I called Liver and asked him what was going on. Liver responded “Captain, the dilithium crystals are overheated, I’m just a Liver, not a Doctor.”…Ahem…Clearly Liver is still struggling to process the alcohol. Liver are you OK down there?
LIVER: “hic”
EGO: “OK…We’ll just have to be patient. And Stomach and Mouth you can help Liver out significantly. We all saw you do those Tequila shots while Concentration and Reason we’re preoccupied trying to sound smart talking about world events with that hot TV producer. What was her name again?”
MEMORY: “Anna…you dipshit!”
EGO: “Right.”
EGO: “Hey everyone. Listen up…Quiet please…Pride, Wit, Charm, quiet down. We’ve got to stop the blame game. It’s rumored that Self-Esteem was blaming Vanity just before vanishing into the subconscious. I spoke to Vanity, Vanity say he’s never been better. The white teeth, the Grecian Formula, the workouts, especially the sit-ups. Vanity is doing everything he can possibly do. And Mouth and Stomach, you guys could really help Vanity by eating less crap. Willpower says he’s at the breaking point, and that the potato chips are too irresistible. I think we’re all tired of the “you can’t have just one” excuse we keep hearing from Stomach and Mouth. Cut back on the chips OK. Damn, I mean between the beer and the chips, you’re not helping. You need to get back on track.”
ASS: “Hey Mouth and Stomach, try eating a fucking salad once in a while? I’m dying down here.”
EGO: “OK folks…big date tonight with Minerva. If we have to do this without Self-Esteem, then so be it. We had to do it once before, and if Pointer Finger had just checked to make sure our fly was zipped up I think we would have scored.”
LEFT HAND: “We’ll that’s what you get for relying on Right Hand all the time.”
RIGHT HAND: “Don’t be hatin’.”
EGO: “OK…let’s go out there tonight and charm her pants off. CHARM! Do you hear me?”
CHARM: “Anything you say sweetheart.”