local humor

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Westchester County Dolls

Bedford Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstroms in the Westchester Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with “augmented” version.

Bronxville Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of Mercedes SUV or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, creditcard, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Midge the European Nanny and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.

Croton Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch- less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her “Willow”. She does not want or need a Ken doll,but if you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

Dobbs Ferry Barbies: There are actually two models available. One is a duplicate of the Yorktown Barbie, and the other is a duplicate of the Croton model.

Mt. Vernon Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a methlab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.

New Rochelle Barbie: There are two versions of this Barbie also. One is a replica of the Scarsdale Barbie…she represents one section of New Rochelle. The other Barbie is a replica of the Mt. Vernon Barbie who represents the other side.

Peekskill Barbie: This English-as-a-Second-Language Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby barbies’ in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a paint-bucket lunch pail and is missing three fingers on his left hand.

Rye Barbie: Available only in the Summer, nobody is quite sure if Rye exists throughout the rest of the year. She comes wearing a tennis outfit and with her own boat.

Scarsdale Barbie: This is the only Jewish Barbie in the collection. Comes with a lot of gaudy diamond and gold jewelry, wigs for every occasion, a BMW 7 series and a Bloomingdale’s credit card. Her husband Rabbi Ken is sold separately.

Tarrytown Barbie: This doll comes with a complimentary EZ Pass for her leased car, as well as a monthly pass for Metro-North.

Verplank Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and
get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

White Plains Barbie: This doll is quite a bargain as she comes not only with her own car, but with her own parking space too! The only problem is that the spot is a 3 mile walk from her $3,000/month studio apartment 4 miles from the train station.

Yonkers Barbie: This gum chewing, hairsprayed brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Elmwood Park Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see- through halter top. Comes with own Camaro Z28.

Yorktown Barbie: This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone included, headset sold separately.

*Green cards are not available for Peekskill Barbie or Ken*

In other news, had a great time last night. Ran amuk with , , , , , and . Others were in attendance, but they don’t have lj’s so you may or may not care. It was a boatload of fun though. Note to those who have not been: The Fat Black Pussycat has an extremely cool lounge (with an extremly stupid rule about eating in it), and great music. The service really blows though, be sure to bring a grapnel and steel wire if you want to get a drink or order some food. When you get the food, don’t expect it to be what you ordered.

When woke up this morning to get ready, we had no water! Apparetly the stret conduit broke sometime between midnight and 5:30. We had water restored by 8 though, so she is only moderately late, and it didn’t really affect me that much, except that I got to sleep an hour or two more than usual with the woman I love.

I want to see Shrek 2 mightily. As said:
“Reason #1 Why I am Going to See Shrek 2: Captain Hook in a Seedy Bar singing a Tom Waits song.”
Not my number one reason, but it sure as hell adds to my desire to get with the funny.

Hump day is past us – viva la weekend!