Year: 2005
1. What did you do in 2005 that you’d never done before?
Got out of debt. Became a full-time manager. Started wearing a suit daily for work. Matched lies with lies to get my heart removed via my ass, and played like a sucka. Hung out on a beach with nothing to do. Flew in to Albany. Cried at a book. Backed off from a relationship out of fear. Lost friends because of anger, made friends (tangentially) via pain. Moved to the West Side.
2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I never make resolutions – they seem a weak self-serving idea.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope. Not hanging with a particularly preggers crowd.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
“Close” as in family, no. Did put three more notches on the belt this year though, two for people I’ve hung with in person. One was someone I talked to for years, and never met in person. No suicides this year. That is a plus.
5. What countries did you visit?
Didn’t pond hop this year, but hope to make that change soon!
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
Stability, financial security, forward momentum.
7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I got out of debt, at great personal cost to what I have always hoped for my future.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Trying to rekindle a past relationship with someone, assuming they wanted the same things I did without knowing it before applying spark to kindling.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not horrible.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Probably my new puter with twin 20″ monitors (#2 returned yesterday).
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Only a couple people I know personally. Most of it is based on politics, the majority of it connected to the executive branch.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Debt, rent, and a little bit of splurging on some furniture.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
See #9, #11, #12.
16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
The remix of “Goldigger” using “George Bush doesn’t care about black people”.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? about the same
iii. richer or poorer? less total debt, same month-to-month situation (for the short-term foreseeable future anyhow)
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Writing, editing.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Sleeping, being depressed, and probably drinking.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Um, was with my fam and L. – things went pretty well!
21. What LJ users did you meet?
22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
Yup.
23. How many one-night stands?
More than there should have been, ironically, in a very short period of time.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Family Guy. Lately, Boondocks.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nah, the people I hate are VERY few, and haven’t changed much.
26. What was the best book you read?
The end of the Dark Tower series, The Dark Tower
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
MC Frontalot
28. What did you want and get?
A new computer, out of debt, and most recently, a Neuros MPEG4 Recorder 2!
29. What did you want and not get?
A new bed/mattress (coming soon!), a desk and chair.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Toughie. I didn’t see too many movies. Sin City.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Not much. I believe I sat around on my duff. I was old enough not to care, or make it a big deal.
32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not having shadows of the past hanging over every step I take forward.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
WTF? Fashion? I bought a lot of tshirts online from Tshirthell and Topatoco if that counts.
34. What kept you sane?
Tom Waits and Jack Daniels.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I don’t fancy celebs. Sorry. I did get to see Tom Waits this year though, which was pretty fucking awesome.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Katrina, and how that links to the gross mismanagement of our country via current paramilitary exercises, and the spin those powers have use to keep and increase their powers.
37. Who did you miss?
Some old friends long gone.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
L. The rest of the posse she is a part of (most of which I met through
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005.
Even if you are the most sober in an emergency situation, you can still be dumb enough to walk into a police station with a switchblade in your pocket.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
“She said Mister anywhere you point this thing
Has got to beat the hell out of the sting
Of going to bed with every dream that dies here every morning
And so drill me a hole with a barber pole
And I’m jumping my parole just like a fugitive tonight
Why don’t you have another swig
And pass that car if you’re so brave
I wanna get there before the sun comes up in Burma Shave”
Well, L. got me a Neuros MPEG4 Recorder 2 for xmas. Once i get me an uber memcard for my PSP, I will start wearing a funny hat and a hook-hand all the time. Yarr.
I also got some great books, and lots of new ties. Now I can get rid of some old ties. I am very very tired, with little to no end in sight. I have a feeling this week may suck. Just a hunch.
A couple amusing antecdotes:
- On xmas day, hanging at my folks place watching TV, caught “Pulp Fiction” on Encore. The satteltie TV guide thinger had it listed as
“Family”. Does that mean it is finally O.K. to explain Marcellus Wallace to my grandma? - Speaking of Sam Jackson, I caught up on The Boondocks yesterday. Between “The Adventures of Black Jesus” episode, and “The Xbox Murderer” episode, I m completely in awe of that series. “The Xbox Murderer” was the most brilliant piece of political sattire on the current war situation I have seen to date.
- Reading the next WoT, then Cows, Pigs, Wars, and Witches : The Riddles of Culture, then A Different Universe: Reinventing Physics from the Bottom Down. That should get me through to my upcoming trip, during which I will probably tackle some of the longer stuff in the queue (like Mornings on Horseback )
Keep it safe, keep it secret!
Extra Special Holiday
Enjoy. Or not.
officially over
http://wcbs880.com/topstories/local_story_356112222.html
EDIT:according to the state mediator, this is what is going to happen. the TWU still hasn’t said anything definitive.
http://wcbs880.com/topstories/local_story_356112222.html
http://1010wins.com/topstories/local_story_356054551.html
http://ny1.com/ny1/NY1ToGo/Story/index.jsp?stid=1&aid=55803
http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/12/22/nyc.transit/index.html
they are goin back to work during negotiations!
whee
took me longer to get home than it did to get to work – stupid hills.
an hour 20 minutes – better than I thought it would be!
Sunny n windy at the great lawn.
Mornin 1020… Ahead of schedule!
Stay warm New Yorkers. I’m figuring I have two hours of walking ahead of me.
xposted to
is it wierd that i only like swiss cheese when it is melted? i can’t stand the stuff otherwise. go fig.
had a very sucessful brunch yesterday. hapiness is a full livingroom, stocked bar, and more food than everyone can eat (barely)!
most likely walkin to work tomorrow. can’t wait!
happy birthday
happy birthday
here’s a birthday present video for you – this is one of the coolest things i’ve ever seen on the web.
had to walk from 96th to work. HOV4 is enforced on the west side. wtf is up with people?
i wish i sent xmas cards, so i could include this in them:
1-888-353-7667
happy birthday
WoW Does “The Internet is for Porn”
Most Expensive Salad Dressing EVAR
I Love these People – I think I should Start a “Bloody Santa” Line of Decorations
This is more my speed on the yule.
Go Watch Some Fish Movies
You can get bologna on Amazon now!
happy birthday
happy b-day to ‘zilla and
happy b-day to
A friday queez! On sweets nonetheless!
Fifth ave in the snow
i just got my present.
i’m gonna go to the dmv next week. i am eligible for e learner’s permit as soon as i pass the damn tests. i will schedule my road test that same day.
i may not get this by the end of december, but i’ll be dammned if i don’t get it by the end of january!
in the words of team america: “fuck yeah”
now i just need to survive my other woes, and i will be a fully mobile human once again.
i am in a bad mood today, and i have about ten point seven billion things to do.
lj can really stop sending me emails of comments posted over a week ago. really. stop. i already feel like a shit for having ignored 30+ people’s replies to my wit and idiocy, you don’t need to keep adding to it.
yet you do.
sorry to all i didn’t comment back to. i definitely don’t have the time for the concerted effort, but i never look at/read my own journal, so the only way i get comments is email, and, as many of you might now, that is fubar.
***
in other news, i have no idea what i am doing this weekend. i know i have stuff i am supposed to be doing friday night. other than that, i am at a loss.
***
tenants moving out month early, using security as last month’s rent.
this, of course, happens the first and only year i ever break from my holiday mantra of last-minute shopping.
fuck me with a chainsaw.
happy fucking holidays.
gah!
This of course, assumes you don’t already know about them. If you do, that is something you knew before I did, and the reason book learnin with a tuition is sometimes better than my tried and true shotgun method.
A year ago, I figured I’d die never having seen you play. New Orleans had to leave the planet for that to happen. I can’t say I’d be willing to pay that price premeditated, but fuck all if you didn’t work your magic at Radio City.
A year ago 29$ was just another song, not it has more meaning than most of your other tunes put together.
Thanks for being you. Keep on keepin on.
If you don't hear from me again, it is because I died of gluttony. I can't believe I made a dessert, with some sherry to chase for fuck's sake!
I just cooked for two hours… For myself! Weiner schnitzel with sauerkraut, and potato pancakes with sour cream and apple sauce.
“I can’t come in and I can’t sit down,
For I’ve only a moment’s time.
They say you’re married to a house carpenter,
And your heart will never be mine.”
“I could have married a King’s daughter, fair,
And she would have married me,
But I have forsaken her crowns of gold,
And it’s all for the love of thee.”
“Now you forsake your house carpenter,
And go along with me.
I’ll take you where the grass grows green.
On the banks of the deep blue sea.”
Then she picked up a darlin’ little babe,
And kisses, she gave it three.
Saying “Stay right here, my dalrin’ little baby,
And keep your pappa company.”
They had not been on the ship two weeks,
I’m sure it was not three,
Till his true love began to weep and to mourn,
And she wept most bitterly.
Sayin’: “Are you weepin’ for my silver and my gold.”
Sayin’: “Are you weepin’ for my store?
“Or are you weepin’ for your house carpenter,
“Whose face you’ll never see no more?”
“A curse, a curse to the sailor,” she cried.
“A curse, a curse,” she swore.
“You robbed me of my darlin’ little babe,
That I shall never see no more.”
They had not been on the ship three weeks,
I’m sure it was not four,
When there came a leak in the bottom of the ship,
And sank them for to rise no more.
When I was in high school we had a vigil. It was years ago today. I wrote, then read a poem, and burned it later that night, in memory of one of the friends I had already lost to AIDS. There had been two others by then, who I had already commemorated in my own way, and three more since then. This song is the closest mix of loss and futility I feel when I ponder their departure. I hope someday there will be a world where nobody knows this feeling.
good luck at the new gig
some of the best friends that have ever known my heartsblood ways
are next to one of the biggest scars my heartsblood has ever known
the world works in funny ways sometimes
people laugh about the butterfly effect
like one little insect could have any bearing on anything
but as i fly up the west side highway
love in my heart
warmth from friends
and lovers afar
i know that butterfly is calling
my name
it snowed where i was over thanksgiving, which was pretty great (both the snow and thanksgiving).
i miss L.
i am very busy.
i am excited about returning friends.
i think i am overbooked this week.
Who played “Mr Bean” on television and in a film?
What year was the Berlin Wall built?
On which African river is the Kariba Dam?
Which 1976 film, starring Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman, was based on the Watergate scandal?
Mary O’Brien is the real name of which British singer who died in Los Angeles in 1999?
Which British author wrote the novels “A Town Like Alice” and “On the Beach,” both set in Australia?
Which country used to be called East Pakistan?
The Treaty of Portsmouth (1905) marked the end of a war between Russia and which country?
Which player led the 1984 and 1992 U. S. Olympic basketball teams to gold medals?
What is the meaning of the word “defenestration?”
I am in the throes of one of the worst response blocks I’ve ever had.
I got a very heartfelt email over two weeks ago, expressing despair, sadness, morbidity – a whole slew of things I have spent many a night tossing and turning over myself. I’ve started a response a dozen times, at least. I want to reassure, but not with fantasy, with reality. I want to show that many of the things I have been railing about in the years I have been friends with this person are legs holding up the table of her woes presented in that email.
Mostly, I feel like expressing what needs to be expressed as a response is important, because the issues raised are central ones to me, which I have spent so much time thinking about/researching/blathering about.
I can’t get my thoughts into words. This slowdown has been exacerbated by the untimeliness (at this point) of the response.
This morning, microwaving a cup of coffee, I had a spark of a train of thought that might lead to some answers.
L’s roommate hung the photo “Kissing the War Goodbye” from the National Archives in the hallway outside the bathroom I noticed it yesterday, but only really spent time looking at it today:
Generally, such kitschy reproduced posters-in-a-frame piece would not spark a chain reaction in my thought processes. I’ve seen the print before, hopeless romanticism pressed tightly with relief and hope. Its mixed messages were certainly more poignant in the 40’s then they are today, but that is what sparked the thought. There is a sense of contextual timelessness to the piece, but that edge only exists when you understand what led up to, and how the picture was taken.
This is a work of art, which evoked a reaction in me (positive or negative is yet to be fully sorted out). The artist may or may not have had intentions when taking the photograph, yet the work as it stands far eclipses whatever intent may have been existent on the photographer’s part (unless, indeed, the photographer was shooting for the melange of hope and hardship, exuberance and sadness I blathered about above).
The nauseating part for me, is contemplating that aforementioned contextual understanding.
How many people had to die for that piece of art to be made? How many people have to sign up before it is a world war? How many of those people have to die before you start enlisting, rationing, patrolling, changing an entire generation’s outlook on existence? How much loss needs to occur before a stylized snapshot of hope, lust, relief, and happiness can be the start of the scab of a generation torn by loss? How can the enormity of over 50 million dead be encapsulated in such a simple snapshot, of an act so basic to our species?
I have read a lot in the past two weeks. I read The Chronicles of Amber, The Secret Life of Bees, Promise of the Witch King, and Our Kind : Who We Are, Where We Came From, Where We Are Going. I am in the middle of Jared Diamond’s The Third Chimpanzee. As is usually the case when reading anthropology/biological history/sociology, I am baffled at the profundity and stupidity of our species. For those paying attention, two of those books are “crap” books. I try to read scifi/fantasy between weighty stuff so I don’t sprain my brain. However, in both of these cases the “junk” books greatly contributed the the weight. I am at the end of a long road of literature-inspired thought, and trying to unburden before I bend my brain stem.
Would I rather there still be 50 million-odd people still floating around and not be able to see this picture? Yes, if only to spare so many the atrocity of wartime deaths, or the horrors of extermination. Perhaps the photographer would disagree.
However, the interlocking web of _my personal_ reality is completely dependent on the events which took place “over there”. If not for the war, my father certainly would not be here, which means I would not be here. I feel that in lesser and greater currents, this truth holds to a great deal of the people I value on the face of the planet. Like the photograph, we are the byproduct of misery before. The impact that we leave behind can be prolific, middling, or nonexistent. The ramifications of that impact are rarely seen in one’s own lifetime (except for the pioneering or the lucky).
The short answer to over contemplating one’s mortality? Realize that you have no control over the present or the future. Life expectancy is a byproduct of a post-agrarian society. This sentiment is echoed by a conversation I was enmeshed in last night. When you realize how close you come to slipping over the line on a day-to-day, what may or may not be in a decade or two is a lot less “scary”. Live for today, plan for tomorrow. Let next year sort itself out.
This is why despite my potential, I can’t sell out for a high-end, mega revenue job. I can’t abide spending 80 hours a week for ‘x’ years so that I can have ‘y’ by the time i get to ‘z’. Economic formulas and reality sometimes line up, but those variables are by no means constants. I am unwilling to gamble what semblance of personal happiness is afforded to me as an individual in the hopes of potential long-term gains. Some people call me a coward for this. I see it more as conservative pragmatism.
The long answer involves a lot of reflection on who you are, not just as an individual, but as a link in a chain of events. Not only is each individual important from the perspective of biological impact on the rest of the species (and the specie’s environment), but the number of undercurrents we each have the potential of spawning is nearly infinite. Assuming offhand that one or another person is worthless or, on the other hand, central or indispensable is to ignore the lessons of history, biology, and evolution (not just the science, but the effects).
The short answer to that email? Don’t spend more time counting the days you might have left, then reminiscing over the days you have had. What you bring to the world is far greater than you think, regardless of whether or not you can see it. The scope of personal accomplishment can only be measured by one person, and trying to conform to other people’s ideas or insights when it comes to personal accomplishment will only leave you frustrated.
I should figure out how I can write fortune cookies for a living.
some of you may have noticed that i have not been as regular around lj as i usually am of late.
that is because work is insanely busy
some of you may have noticed that i have not posted a queez in a while
that is because i have been insanely busy
HOWEVER
i made this, which i am very proud of. it is the height of nerdiness, which i don’t expect any of you to finish, but i figured i would post it anyway.
have fun, if you decide to take it. it is graded like a real test (remember those) so you do need to get above a 65 to “pass” one of the four categories being tracked.
The Miskatonic University Admissions Evaluation Test (on OKCupid)
since it is out of my system, i will work on a regular one for next week – a pre-turkey queez!
For all you cats out there who are into this kind of thing, go check it out!
xposted all over, sorry
I am warning everyone right now, this is a nerd post. If you are not a nerd, skip it.
I have some interesting gaming developments to report.
Firstly, Quake 4 is a fun game. What kills me? On my new dual 64 bit system, with a a gig of 400mhz ram and a 256 meg Nvidia card, the game STILL lags at some places. Further, multiplayer is like playing quake 3 on a p400 with a 16m video card (remember those days)?.
Dragonshard is a helluva game, but I don’t have the time to devote to it, anymore than I do to WOW (whose upcoming expansion looks off the hook). It is probably the most interesting combo of RTS/RPG I have ever played. I am kinda disappointed in the build tree, but like the native imbalance in the races. Game balance pisses me off.
I have not used my PSP much lately, been reading too much. I am happy to report that both Dynasty Warriors and Medieval Resurrection are good games for it. Looking forward to getting hold of Star Wars Battlefront II and the new RPG that just came out Legend of Heroes, A Tear of Vermilion. Sword of Vermilion was one of my favorite RPG consoles on the old Sega (Aside from the Phantasy Star series), so I have high hopes for this one. The one shot I took at LOTR Tactics – and it seems most of the reviewers I trust have very similar opinions.
So what have I settled on for my obsession of the moment? Civ4. Two words for you…holy fuck. If you have ever played and loved a turn based strategy game, you will enjoy this. I haven’t beaten it on deity difficulty with 7 opponents yet. That hard. Why, you ask, am I playing Civ4 instead of D&D Online? Well, mostly, because D&D Online sucks. It is pretty, and it moves along, with a very nice XP/Quest meter thing. But, ultimately, when you turn D20 rules into WOW play rate, it leaves a sour taste in my mouth. Spellpoints? In D&D? Yeah, I know it is an alternate rule set. Fuck you and your lazy programmers. No crafting? No tradeskills at all? Yeaaaah, I’ll be waiting for NWN2, thanks. This is like an online version of Temple of Elemental Evil meets Everquest2.
Lastly, and most importantly, there have been murmurs amongst the troops for some dice chucking.
It has been a while for me.
I will put on the hat again though, even have a few ideas.
So, y’all get a poll:
Replies have been screened, so if you want to be a nerd, and hide if from the rest of the world, you can. If you have an interest, let me know, even if you haven’t gamed with me before. I can offer nerd credentials that I am a better-than-O.K.-GM.

I’m trying to stick to at least one
Be sure to leave juicy details (names that come to mind, etc) in the comments, if you have any.
my new computer is here, and i am about cross eyed with pain.
it figures.
more from me later, hopefully. that, or smoke and cursing.
i’m totally taking
i offer you, behind the cut, a screen cleaner
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just remember kids, i love you, otherwise i wouldn’t have put that behind a cut.
I love it when the day looks how I feel.