Month: January 2005

I have been intolerably unfair to some people in my life. For better or worse, most of those people seem to have been those who have my best intentions at heart. I am being unfair s I write this, out of a combination of emotional exhaustion, and selfishness.

Why is this?

Maybe because to see what I really need or want, someone needs to be close enough to hurt me. I’ve been hurt enough that I don’t want it anymore. I’ve got enough scrapes on my hull, at a relatively young age, that at this point, I think I’d rather not brave the shoals for profit, because their might be reefs. I’ve chalked up every encounter I’ve had twisting my life to someone else’s as a bad scrape. When the fuck do you just pull the boat off the surf?

There always seem to be fucking reefs. Coral takes thousands of years to grow, and months for us to kill, but it has definitely spilt its share of unwary blood over the years.

Since I was very young, I’ve seen what I can do as a catalyst. I am not the strong personality that everyone knows and loves. I am the one that finds the cracks and patches them, or bounces off the myriads of hopes, dreams, and fantasies that people carry around like brightly colored scarves in the winter. I amplify them – I question people’s bases. Not in any attempt to twist them to my way of thinking, but rather to just change the way that they think. I am a fixer, a problem solver, and an insight grabber. I insinuate myself. I skulk in the side door, I don’t ring the bell, or use the front door, If I am using the front door, it is because I want to see who slips out the side door while someone is answering the front door.

I overcommuinicate. I can find the high and low ground pretty fast in a conversation or a group dynamic. I can think on my feet. My appearance, my clothes – they are a test in other people’s interactivity. I could meld, or stand out – I have done both to both extremes over the years. I try to stand out without standing out, and see what people make of me. Catching people off guard is easier when they expect one thing visually, and get another conversationally. I have built myself, worked myself, honed myself with all the aspects of my personality bent towards being something that I am not.

My family has seen this time and again. I am a black sheep in the home flock. Not that I am an unloved sheep, but I just don’t fit any of the molds in the closet. I am not exactly viewed as flawed for that, but I am certainly left out of some things as a result of it. They do love me, but on their terms. What I am is not what they want me to be, or think that I could be. Individually or on a whole, the biological entities tied to me by blood or birth have never really delved past the hull in well over a decade.

I’ve done a lot of soul-searching recently. What I am finding is not the best. Hamlet’s musing on slings and arrows, and what dreams may come beyond the departure of our state – I’ve had that soliloquy running nightly for what seems like forever, what is really just weeks. I don’t even believe in souls, not in a conventional sense. There are too many questions about the nature of reality, or the reality of reality to make suppositions about a level beyond it.

What I find is a scaffold without a building. I am fantastic working with structure, but am not structure myself. When I am not put to use correctly, I am lying in commercial space somewhere. I always try to bring out the strengths in people. It is part of my code, since the times where I tried to take advantage of the weaknesses. That leaves me in an awkward moral position in a culture and time that largely believes weaknesses are to be treated or exploited, but never cured.


wimp. wimp.

kinda like a cloud i was up way up in the sky.
and i was feeling some feelings you wouldn’t believe.
sometimes i don’t believe them myself and i decided i was never coming down.

just then a tiny little dot caught my eye.
it was just about too small to see.
but i watched it way too long.
that dot was pulling me down.

i was up above it.
i was up above it.
i was up above it.
i was up above it.
now i’m down in it

shut up.
so what what does it matter now.
i was swimming in the hate now i crawl on the ground.
and everything i never liked about you is kind of seeping into me.
i try to laugh about it now but isn’t it funny how everything works out.
i guess the jokes on me.

i used to be so big and strong.
i used to know my right from wrong.
i used to never be afraid.
i used to be somebody.

i used to have something inside.
now just this hole it’s open wide.
used to want it all.
i used to be somebody.

i’ll cross my heart and hope to die.
but the needle’s already in my eye.
and all the world’s weight is on my back and i don’t even know why.
and what i used to think was me is just a fading memory.
i looked him right in the eye and said “goodbye.”

rain rain go away.
come again some other day.

na na na na na na na na.

i need to write a guide like this so that 100 years in teh future someone can look up on a hollocube a rendition of how to defeat a hacker with an ip loopback, or how to foil a worm with inventive router useage.

who wants to illustrate? that is what relaly makes it cool.in other news, i am going to start carrying a walking stick, i think.

With the days the way they are, you will probbaly be seeing much more of my life than reading about it in the near future. I promise this will not turn into a wholesale photoblog, but expect a good peppering.


I did not forget the face of my father-
My aim was true and straight,
like the path of the beam.

I did tremble at the voice of my father
For it was terrible-
Not in words or timbre,
But in rammification.

The shadow he casts is like
The scowl of a cloud, deciding to
Deprive a city block of sunshine.

Perhaps, like Russian dolls,
The Men of my clan are destined,
Or doomed,
To each be a little less than the one before.
Each one of us marveling
At how our predecessor could
Hold so much in one
Life.

I have so many things I have to do today. I mostly need to pick up my dry cleaning, and work on getting some sleep. I want to write (see above) but don’t have the energy. I feel like a bricklayer with too much sand in his mix. What has come and gone in my life these past few months has left me realizing that I have, in good faith to something I was hopelessly optimistic about, strayed away from as a central tenet of my belief structure.

Oddly enough, it was rereading Musashi’s Go Rin No Sho that made me realize part of the reason I have been unable to drag myself out of the funk that is my life. My expectations were too high. Dennis Leary, in his show “No Cure for Cancer” has an enormous bit about expectations of happiness. Some of it was echoed by the last Lewis Black show I saw.

Happiness is not a permenant state. To attempt to attain a permanent state of happiness is to invite strife across your threshold. Granted, strife doesn’t need any invitations, but, like a 6 year old left home alone with warning, it delights in wreaking havoc when you are dumb enough to hold the door.

Leary’s words:

“Life sucks, get a fucking helmet, allright?! “I’m not happy. I’m not happy.” Nobody’s happy, ok!? Happiness comes in small doses folks. It’s a cigarette, or a chocolate cookie, or a five second orgasm. That’s it, ok! You cum, you eat the cookie, you smoke the butt, you go to sleep, you get up in the morning and go to fucking work, ok!? That is it! End of fucking list!”

Lewis Black’s bit (which I only saw once) basically illustrated the insanity of taking drugs to neither feel happy nor sad, out of fear of being sad all the time. He went on to compare the insanity of maintaining a constant styrafoam existance to recreational drug use, and pointed out that smoking a joint or popping a pill once in a while to lift your spirits or unwind is vastly preferable to taking a pill every day as a preventative measure.

Either way, it is the denial of the transitive nature of existance that makes us hairless apes so goddamn unstable in numbers greater than one. I need to get back to living in the moment, and stop feeling shitty about the fact that I don’t have what I once did. I had a run a good bit longer than 5 seconds there, and I should shut the fuck up already, and be content with that.

http://www.minado.com/index.htm
so much fish…and GOOD! they also have other stuffs.

go EARLY cuz they close early.

the bar downstairs is pretty cool – very hip. it will be a velvet rope kinda place in no time. last night was the pre-open though, so we got to play with the beautiful people.

my theory? both establishemnts are fronts for laundering yakuza money. judging by the owners/high rollers table at the bar last night, my sixth sense was in full effect.

in almsot 5 years at mt. siani, i can count on one hand the number of times i have forgotten my phone. since working here? twice.

today i forgot my ID.

i am too preoccupied. too much going on. i need to buy a little shelf to hang by the door that has all my shit on it. i thought the bedside table thing would work out, but it ain’t.

goal of the weekend: dry cleaning.

happy friday all. at least i don’t have to worry too much about forgetting something tomorrow. looks like the snow gods are going to be vengeful.

my day, much like my week,has been hellishly busy.
2 minutes ago was my first chance for a potty break since getting into the office.

today, i wanted to get in early. that failed. my bus broke down at 103 street. we had to get out, and i got into a cab. it got a flat tire by 93rd street. i walked the rest of the way, and barely managed to make it in on time.

i have so many responsibilities in this new job, but in so many ways it feels like my wrists are bound.

i just kicked someone out of an interview because they told me “technology is not a major part of my career advancement”.

i also have a headache the size of southern iowa.

not a migraine, just a headache. i think it is cuz i haven’t eaten.

hope people in general are having a better week than i.

the weekend, like the week before it, was a mixed bag. wonderful food, great people – horrible realizations, and some tough reads. clarity has sharp edges. regardless, it was good to unplug. there was a computer, i didn’t touch it.

this week is trial by fire at the new job. i am going to be swamped. email me if you need/want to get hold of me.

big decisions were made tonight. big decisions lie floating in the air before me – breeze or gravity will determine outcomes.

i am so tired.

it has gone from below freezing, to april/may weather and back again this week. training has been instructive, and has helped my confedence somewaht (given that i have only been at my job for a week, and the overwhelm is high). part of me is hungry for change, and that part was hoping the job would be it. it may yet be what i need, but if i end up holding a flaming bag of poo, i am going to bail, and search out new pastures.

when i took the position, i knew i had some uphill battles to fight. recent developments leave me halfway up the mountainside without a sherpa. i have gotten myself out of rougher spots before. i am not being cocky, but i know i _can_ do this – the question, of course, is if i want to.

i had a good week. i learned a lot. i had a wonderful times with friends, old and new. it looks like i will be able to get out of here tonight without too much hassle. may the weather gods be kind.

ski trip this weekend. i have all the prep work done. i plan on getting up early, making breakfast, taking a nap, getting up, drinking, writing, reading, and chilling the fuck out.

maybe there will be some clarity between the 2000 pages of book i have to read, the 300 pages of book i want to wite, and the large bottle of maker’s mark hopefully on it’s way to vermont as i write this.

allegedly the resort joint has internet access, so you may hear from me before tuesday.

i’m in a mcdonald’s parking lot with this afternoon, waiting for the people in the drivethrough to catch up with the orders (they brought the food out to the car). was kind of spaced out, and i was watching this small black man shambling up the street. he looks right at me through the car window, and alters his trail, heading right towards the car. i assumed he was going to panhandle, or ask for some food or something. instead, he comes over to the car, and rolls down the window.

“Would either of you gentlemen like to buy 100mg of Viagra for 8$?”

i was totally and completely flabbergasted. saved the day with a “no man, i’m cool, thanks!”

i’ve since come up with about 50 great responses to that question. i will post them later, if i get around to it.

First off, download ciphire. Make it harder for the people you don’t want reading your mail to do so.

It is snowing. I am told by that there is a possibility things will get bad. People here seem to be mixed on this around the traning center.

I spoke with on the phone last night. I can, apparently, call Canadia from my phone, which is cool.

She is not gonna be able to make it for dinner this week, which sucks. Apparently, she will be down at the joy sea in March. We will get our cook on then, oh yes.

Speaking of which, I cooked last night. I made my double-stuffed pork loin, which seems to have been well loved. I got some nice crusty bread, and made some long grain/wild rice pilaf. I met ‘s and ‘s friend Sara (who is hopelessly cool), and midwifed a new website, which I will have more info on later.

FTR, never trust tequila from a pastel-colored bottle. It does not get better as the evening goes on. I started with the good stuff, but by the witching hour, it seemed a good idea. It wasn’t.

I feel fine today though. Mackin the Pepsi instead of the coffee.

I am looking forward to this weekend. It was nice to get my cook on last night.

so, in this company I am currently training with, they often contract people from the company to assist in data migration and initial setup of the systems of people who buy into the system.

i would call that person an implimenter

they call them an implimentationist.

extra sylables are more impressive. they make me feel like i am getting more expertiese for my dollars.

alive.
the coffee here is scary.
and have the coolest apartment evar. ThI met some of thier friends last night. They are pretty rad.

Training training training. My class has only 6 people in it – but open internet access.

Now I just need to make it through the week.

If someone wants to become a Development Assistant for the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and you are reading this, shoot me an email.

Seriously, I will do what I can to wedge the door.

College Education, strong writing, interest in technology are main reqs atm. And, you gotta put up with me as your boss. ~28k. , if you were serious, this is a potential foot in the door – I will pimp you like teh mad.

so, my primary underling, the one who has been doing my job, the one who i was supposed to learn my job from, put in notice today.

i am gone all next week. she is on vacation, the week after that. i will be picking up my duties in the trenches, with her gone.

the week after that is her last week. i have to learn my job in a week.

maybe i will just stay in vermont – or buffalo – you guys need a houseboy ?

i saw for lunch today. it was wonderful.
walking down park avenue in the snow was wonderful. i came home, cleaned some. was nice enough to take out the garbage. thank you. i have been horribly remiss in tending to affairs at home of late. tomorrow i have to do laundry. and are going to put up with me put me up next week.
i was the recipient of an unbelievable act of kindness from a friend today. thank you.
apparently knows how crazy i am. she bought me a book on templars. i will read it next week. thank you.

i had a whole post planned out in my head walking home. all the emotions i have flipped through this week – somewhere between the dishes, dinner, and pavarotti singing bellini, i lost it.

i am reading the procedure by mulisch. it is heartbreakingly beautiful. it almost made me cry on the bus today.

my right ankle is a raw pustule of pain – thanks dress shoes. damn the suits.

sometime between now and sunday, i need to clean all my clothes, pack for a week of training, pack for a weekend in vermont. shop for food, cook, store the food, set all the arrangements so that foodstuffs can be collected by , and keep my toes crossed that the weather will cooperate in my attempts to rondevous with a caravan heading north next friday so i can make the ski trip. all the stress over something that i wanted to be nothing but relaxing is irksome.

i have been drinking too much, but eating well. i haven’t been consistent about eating. i am exhausted. i have been sleeping a lot, but not well. still not 100% health wise, but definitely on the mend. i think drummer guy might be back. last night was bongo central for 3 hours.

work is a quandary – i am at the center of so many things. the process, the technology, the schedules, it is almost too much. in six weeks i will need to have the next year, at least, planned out. in that year, if certain things go the way i do NOT want them to, i will be planning the next 2 years thereafter, with lots of complicated technology problems, and huge amounts of stress. if things do go right, i need to institute so many changes – i feel like that bouy that washed up today. how could something that big be mysterious in origin, with no clear indication of a future before it?

i’m trying to stay positive. i am trying to focus on the wonder that is the place i work. i am trying not to get swallowed by the shadow of expectation looming before me, or the sun of responsibility gleaming hot on my shoulders. i am trying not to wallow in the tearing of so many strands of my web, which somehow i hoped this job would eclipse or rebuild, but now, 72 hours into the changing of gears, i now see that, if anything, it is making those tears more defined.

i am tired. not long for the world tonight.

my life jsut got crazy complicated. i have to go to buffalo next week, so i am going to ahve to do all my shop/cook prep this weekend, and pack my shit to leave at my ‘rents place so it can be caravanned up.

what a pain in the patookas!

well, my tech avenues are limited at the moment for work – definitely rely on the email to get ahold of me for the now, rather than usual chat channels. – murkatos (at) gmail (dot) com

I have 17 hours of meetings booked this week already (after the three i got through today, after orientation)

i have 10 hours of standing meetings a week.

i work in the fucking MET! it is beautiful – i can get up to 4 people in, for the free. i also get a phatty 25% discount to met stores.

i ALSO get into all sorts of other museums WORLDWIDE for free.

i don’t have admin rights to my computer (yet)

my underlings are nearly as unruly as the fileserver is – i am going to become a fileserver nazi.

i may have to fly from buffalo to vermont – since the only week for training is the same week before the ski trip (and that is the suck).

did i mention i get to walk around (and beneath) the museum, even on a monday, when nobody is the fuck there? i also learned all the secret ways today.

my boss is a cool lady – she treated me to lunch today. must learn more lunch spots.

i am more exhausted than i recall being in recent memory. i am also horribly depressed. i am trying to focus on the prospects, and not dwell on the setbacks.

i am not as sick as i once was. i am not staying up late tonight.

i miss . she has my laptop. i must get that back.

no idea what kinda access i am gonna have at the new digs yet.
moderately recovered – hope i don’t have to do too much talking!
that is such a shooting star hope – ah well, halls will save the day (i hope).

happy monday, and new year, to all.