my insides are a gordian knot

i saw for lunch today. it was wonderful.
walking down park avenue in the snow was wonderful. i came home, cleaned some. was nice enough to take out the garbage. thank you. i have been horribly remiss in tending to affairs at home of late. tomorrow i have to do laundry. and are going to put up with me put me up next week.
i was the recipient of an unbelievable act of kindness from a friend today. thank you.
apparently knows how crazy i am. she bought me a book on templars. i will read it next week. thank you.

i had a whole post planned out in my head walking home. all the emotions i have flipped through this week – somewhere between the dishes, dinner, and pavarotti singing bellini, i lost it.

i am reading the procedure by mulisch. it is heartbreakingly beautiful. it almost made me cry on the bus today.

my right ankle is a raw pustule of pain – thanks dress shoes. damn the suits.

sometime between now and sunday, i need to clean all my clothes, pack for a week of training, pack for a weekend in vermont. shop for food, cook, store the food, set all the arrangements so that foodstuffs can be collected by , and keep my toes crossed that the weather will cooperate in my attempts to rondevous with a caravan heading north next friday so i can make the ski trip. all the stress over something that i wanted to be nothing but relaxing is irksome.

i have been drinking too much, but eating well. i haven’t been consistent about eating. i am exhausted. i have been sleeping a lot, but not well. still not 100% health wise, but definitely on the mend. i think drummer guy might be back. last night was bongo central for 3 hours.

work is a quandary – i am at the center of so many things. the process, the technology, the schedules, it is almost too much. in six weeks i will need to have the next year, at least, planned out. in that year, if certain things go the way i do NOT want them to, i will be planning the next 2 years thereafter, with lots of complicated technology problems, and huge amounts of stress. if things do go right, i need to institute so many changes – i feel like that bouy that washed up today. how could something that big be mysterious in origin, with no clear indication of a future before it?

i’m trying to stay positive. i am trying to focus on the wonder that is the place i work. i am trying not to get swallowed by the shadow of expectation looming before me, or the sun of responsibility gleaming hot on my shoulders. i am trying not to wallow in the tearing of so many strands of my web, which somehow i hoped this job would eclipse or rebuild, but now, 72 hours into the changing of gears, i now see that, if anything, it is making those tears more defined.

i am tired. not long for the world tonight.