The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for sexually transmitted diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.<\/p>\n
“I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks.”<\/p>\n
“My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch.”<\/p>\n
“I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt.”<\/p>\n
“My last period looked like meat.”<\/p>\n
“My balls feel soft and mushy.”<\/p>\n
“I be messin’ with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don’t tell you they got something unless they mad at you.”<\/p>\n
“How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?”<\/p>\n
“I got the dripper.”<\/p>\n
“I have food chunks in my urine.”<\/p>\n
“Had sex with my daughter’s fianc\u00e9 and then douched with Lysol–feelin’ a little raw down there.”<\/p>\n
“Scabs on my butt and I’m losing my mind.”<\/p>\n
“I’m releasing semen when I take a crap.”<\/p>\n
“I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man.”<\/p>\n
“I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice.”<\/p>\n
“Can’t you put the swab in further?”<\/p>\n
“I had sex with my baby’s momma, sex with my other baby’s momma and my other new baby’s momma has disease.”<\/p>\n
“Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat before it’s cooked.”<\/p>\n
“My cervix hurts when I jiggle.”<\/p>\n
“The seam in my circumcision split open.”<\/p>\n
“I be messin’ with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don’t trust either of them.”<\/p>\n
“My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits.”<\/p>\n
“From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline out of me.”<\/p>\n
“I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me.”<\/p>\n
“I think my boyfriend knows what’s going on. He’s been calling me a ‘chlamydiahoris.'”<\/p>\n
“My pee smells like ham.”<\/p>\n