{"id":836,"date":"2004-05-15T22:45:00","date_gmt":"2004-05-15T22:45:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/delascabezas.com\/blog\/index.php\/2019\/02\/20\/death-is-lighter-than-a-feather-duty-heavier-than-a-mountain\/"},"modified":"2019-02-20T21:56:37","modified_gmt":"2019-02-20T21:56:37","slug":"death-is-lighter-than-a-feather-duty-heavier-than-a-mountain","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/delascabezas.com\/blog\/index.php\/2004\/05\/15\/death-is-lighter-than-a-feather-duty-heavier-than-a-mountain\/","title":{"rendered":"Death is lighter than a feather, duty heavier than a mountain"},"content":{"rendered":"


\nI should be at a party right now.
\nA good party, with people I know, trust, and value as friends. Hell, I even love some of them, I am not afraid to say it.<\/p>\n

Instead, I am sitting at home, typing this, listening to the thunder, and watching the flashing of lightning out of the corner of my eyes. Richelle is in bed with a stomachache. I feel like she wanted me to go.<\/p>\n

I have to go out to PA tomorrow for a funeral. It is the dad of a friend – a man I could call no better than an aquaintence. I met him a dozen and a half times over the past few years. His life and times impacted me in several significant ways. I am saddened by his loss, much more so than I thought I would, honestly.<\/p>\n

He may not have been the most enlightened man, or the best man, but he was a decent man, and I will always remember him as such. His wit and laughter were forever sealed in my mind at his daughter’s wedding, when I had a good bout of joking and echoing laughter in the bathroom of what was probably the most elegant place I have ever been at a social event.<\/p>\n

I found out about this yesterday. Since then, I have been obsessing over life, and mortality. The recent interest Richelle has sparked in the series “Dead Like Me” has helped, and hurt, in almost equal amounts.<\/p>\n

I feel like I am a broken man, and have felt that way, in lesser or greater extents, for months. I feel disconnected from the most important element of my life, no matter what I try to do to make that connection as tangible as I know it can be, as it should be. I wonder if my trying mightn’t be the problem. I wonder if I mightn’t be the fucking problem. I feel like I am wasting time, yet, I cannot cite what I might be doing better, would that I were not doing what I am.<\/p>\n

I’ve known too many people who died, I think. Longstanding affair, death and I have – in my family it is a matter of pilgrimage. In my life, it has become a happenstance of recurring misfortune. Minimum two per year over the last 15 years. Average of 3.13 per year, with the worst year being 6. Eleven suicides, which is 23.41% of the total. 47 threads yanked from the pattern around me.<\/p>\n

So many wants and desires for the future, but tomorrow always seems to get here too early, right after today slipped away like a trout caught barehanded.<\/p>\n

Fuck me for the melodrama, and for wasting your time if youa re reading still – I am seeing catharsis here, not value for the reader.<\/p>\n

What fucking gives?<\/p>\n

Roll thunder roll. I think I need a drink.<\/p>\n

The rain has finally come, maybe now the thunder can let up a little.
\n<\/lj-cut><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I should be at a party right now. A good party, with people I know, trust, and value as friends. Hell, I even love some<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"chat","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[49],"class_list":["post-836","post","type-post","status-publish","format-chat","hentry","tag-depressed","post_format-post-format-chat"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/delascabezas.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/836","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/delascabezas.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/delascabezas.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/delascabezas.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/delascabezas.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=836"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/delascabezas.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/836\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3409,"href":"https:\/\/delascabezas.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/836\/revisions\/3409"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/delascabezas.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=836"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/delascabezas.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=836"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/delascabezas.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=836"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}